WEEK 15

I am 15 weeks pregnant (25 weeks to go)! BabyBunny is about the size of an apple, weighs about 71 grams, and just over 10 cm long (crown to rump).

BabyBunny can move all of his joints and limbs. He is busy moving amniotic fluid through the nose and upper respiratory tract, which helps the primitive air sacs in the lungs begin to develop. Although his eyelids are still fused shut, he can sense light. He is forming taste buds! /BabyCenter/

WEEK 14

I am 14 weeks pregnant (26 weeks to go)! BabyBunny is about the size of a lemon and weighs nearly 43 grams. This is the beginning of the second trimester. The top of the uterus is a bit above the pubic bone.

BabyBunny is stretching out. The body's growing faster than the head, which now sits upon a more distinct neck. Hands and feet are more flexible and active.

The liver starts making bile this week and the spleen starts helping in the production of red blood cells. Kidneys are producing urine, which released into the amniotic fluid around him (a process he'll keep up until birth). An ultra-fine, downy covering of hair (lanugo) starts to develop all over the body.

BabyBunny can now squint, frown, grimace (thanks to brain impulses), pee, grasp, and suck his thumb! /BabyCenter/

First Appointment and Dating Scan

13+0 today and I had my First Appointment at the chosen hospital (it is in 20-25 minutes walking distance).

First I was seen by a midwife where we sat in a little room with a computer and she was asking questions and taking notes about medical conditions, family history. DH wasn't allowed to come in (he was sent out and told to wait outside) as it is a private and highly confidential conversation, the midwife said. Well, what could be more confidential than a husband and a wife having a baby?!? Together. Two makes a baby not one.

From my LMP the midwife calculated my (new) EDD: 22.06.2012. She said my GP made a mistake and I am 12+6 today not 13+0.

Then I was sent to have blood test done. My weight is 52.5 kg (as many scales, as many different measuring), MBI 19.8, blood pressure: 120/80.

Finally the Dating Scan. The scan put me on 14+0 and gave me a new EDD: 14.06.2012. BabyBunny is a week (or 8 days in that matter) ahead. The sonographer said that I miscalculated my ovulation and I conceived much earlier than I thought. Well, I maybe miscalculated my ovulation but with the scheduled (and recorded) Baby Dance I know exactly that it is not possible to conceive a week earlier. Simple reason no sperm, no conception.

So what to do now? Jump a week ahead and skip a week or stay with my LMP dates? I think I will stick to my LMP schedule and count as I am 13+0 today.

WEEK 13

I am 13 weeks pregnant (27 weeks to go)! BabyBunny is about the size of a medium shrimp and weighs nearly 28 grams. This is the last week of the first trimester.

Fingerprints have formed on BabyBunnys tiny fingertips. Veins and organs are clearly visible through the still-thin skin. The body is starting to catch up with the head. If BabyBunny is a girl, she now has more than 2 million eggs in her ovaries. /BabyCenter/

Nuchal Translucency Screening

12+5 today and we had the scheduled Nuchal Translucency Scan and Blood Test at the (different) hospital. We heard that Prof. M. is the expert in this area. Arriving, filling up some paperwork, and a bit of waiting before the scan...

We haven't been seen by Prof. M. but by some other doctor. She was yung(ish enough). While performing the scan she was dead silent and from time to time she shook her head and frown which made me very uneasy. When I asked her why she's not commenting what she is seeing, It is not customary - she replied briefly. Well, this made me even more uncomfortable. The scanning took too long to my perception. Silent and long. It was around half and hour or forty minutes and she left the room without saying anything.

Next came the blood test and weight measurement (51.8 kg).

Results will be sent to my address within 2 days. Hoping for the best!

WEEK 12

I am 12 weeks pregnant (28 weeks to go)! BabyBunny is about the size of a lime and weighs about 14 grams.

His intestines will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder. Eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his ears are right where they should be. Nerve cells are multiplying rapidly!

The uterus has grown to the point where your healthcare provider can now feel the top of it (the fundus) low in your abdomen, just above your pubic bone. /BabyCenter/

This is a big mark, 12 weeks are done!

There is no change in symptoms (yet), still nauseous, still feeling queasy. Hip pain from numbed sides during the nights, some nasal congestion...

Midwife visit (GP)

11+6 today and I had my first midwife visit this morning at my GP. She checked the urine sample (clear), took my blood pressure (normal, 120/80), measured my weigh (51.1 kg, and this is more likely than the 54.5 kg), but she did not listen to BabyBunny's heartbeat with the Fetal Doppler because she said that it is too early for that. Is it??

WEEK 11

I am 11 weeks pregnant (29 weeks to go!!). BabyBunny is about the size of a fig. Some of his bones are beginning to harden, and tiny tooth buds are beginning to appear under his gums. Bunny is already busy kicking and stretching. His diaphragm is forming.

I am still nauseous (and a bit worn out by this). The all-day-nausea still makes it impossible for me to eat a wide variety of healthy foods. I hope my appetite will return soon so Bunny can have a good source of everything he needs to grow and to be well nourished.

I starting to get a bit emotional, almost cried when an ambulance car passed me early this week.

Sleepless early mornings continue, diarrhoea continues but more and more 'spiced up' with mild constipation. These little discomforts are the 'side-effects' and I won't remember them when I finally hold my Bunny in my arms.

WEEK 10

I am 10 weeks pregnant (30 weeks to go!!). Before pregnancy the uterus was the size of a small pear, by this week, it's about the size of a grapefruit.

This is the beginning of the fetal period. The head measures half the length of the body, and tiny nails forming on fingers and toes (no more webbing).

I really miss enjoying my food... Two more weeks and I will have appetite again, I hope.

Since Monday all is back, the nausea, the tender breasts, and the sore nipples too. The diarrhoea is back too, every morning it's the first thing before anything else.

Painful, red pimples on my forehead, around my mouth, under my nose. My face is decorated like a Christmas tree.

Sleep was really bad in the past five days. I have trouble falling in sleep at night and staying asleep early in the morning. I am waking up around 4-5 am and just tossing and turning until around 7 am.

Some pelvic pain, mild but frequent aches and pains come and go in my lower abdomen. Ligaments and muscles stretch?

I am growing more and more impatient. If I want something I want it NOW but it's already too late. I blame the hormones.

Seeing Bunny on Sunday gives this pregnancy a real weight, a consciousness, more reality.

A definite bump is sticking out and pointing forward!

ER

9+3 today. I woke up with no pregnancy symptoms, no nausea, no tender breasts, no sore nipples! On top of this I felt sharp pain on the right side aroud my hip, and sore lower back. I panicked so I called the hospital. The nurse said that because there is pain I best to come in for a scan.

After a quick shower and an ever quicker breakfast we went in (15-20 minutes walk, and I felt for taking a walk). It was noon when we arrived. There were only 3 couple waiting. Urine sample, chat with the nurse, blood pressure and temperature measuring, some data entry and we found ourselves waiting for the doctor to perform the ultrasound scan.

Then she came but shortly she was beeped away and she stayed away for long. I was just sitting there, I felt fine (apart from the waves of pain on my side) and terrified that my symptoms are gone. We took a long walk yesterday, we ate in a restaurant and the evening was pleasant for me, I wasn't so nauseous.

We were waiting, waiting, more people came, and the crowd got bigger. Most of us were patient but some of us were not. Then the doctor came back and she called me in.

I jumped right on the bed beside the ultrasound device and the next second the cold jelly was on my belly. I couldn't take my eyes of the monitor and I caught a glimpse of BabyBunny. He was there. It wasn't empty like last time. He was lying on his back. The doctor pressed the head of the device so hard that I had to tell her she is hurting. Then she pointed to the monitor and said there is the heartbeat, can you see? Tears filled in my eyes. Bunny's there, Bunny is alive! Strong heartbeat, she said. The pressing woke him up, he started to move and I was weeping. I wish I had looked at DH face to see his reaction but I just could not take my eyes off the screen. She measured 10w1d but she said the dating scan will be more precise. Good news, Bunny is not smaller.

She gave us a picture, Bunny's first picture! We waited four and a half hours but it's worth every minute. It's real! It is not just guessing anymore. We are officially parents-to-be. DH was smiling for all the rest of the evening.

"If you can see the baby's heart beating on the sonogram after 7 weeks, your chances of continuing with the pregnancy are greater than 97 percent."

WEEK 9

I am 9 weeks pregnant (31 weeks to go!!). BabyBunny is about the size of a grape. Bunny's heart finishes dividing into four chambers, the valves start to form, and the embryonic "tail" is completely gone.

No change in appetite, actually still zero. The mozzarella salad doesn't look appealing anymore but chicken broth soup more and more tolerable. Toast, toast, toast for breakfast...

The diarrhea ceased, replaced by stool only every other day. No fibre I guess. There is no quantity change in the urine, I go no often than before but there is change in the urge, now comes much more sudden. I am still checking the toilet paper after every wipe.

Pimples, pimples, pimples and more pimples!! I had periodic skin outbreaks on my forehead and around the mouth but those were nothing compared to what I have just now.

Nauseated all day. Still 3 weeks to go to feel any relief of this unpleasant part of the first trimester but I am hopeful that passing the 12 weeks milestone I will be enjoying the rest of my pregnancy. I will be more active, I will practice yoga, and I will be eating healthy again.

WEEK 8

I am 8 weeks pregnant (32 weeks to go!!). BabyBunny is about the size of a kidney bean. Bunny can bend his elbows and knees.

Appetite: none (constant dislike towards all kinds of food in general). Tiredness, fatigue: none (sluggishness: some). Well-balanced diet: none. Cravings: none. Exercise, workouts: none. Housekeeping: none.

My skin is very dry, especially on arms and legs. When observed closely it looks like a thin white layer on the surface of skin.

I had a dream last night. We (me and DH) were in the hospital in a spacious room full of pregnant women with big bumps waiting to deliver their baby, and DH was copying or filling out some form, a daily schedule or something...

Exhaustion of all day every day nausea, breast growth (swollen breasts and nipples, discomfort), more pimples, funny taste in the mouth. Miserable with nausea which lasts all day long.

Ginger root tea and toast for breakfast, something for lunch and mozzarella salad for dinner, this is how my weekly diet looks...

Cold sore and pimples

I have this cold sore on a new place. When I had earlier I had it on the left side of my bottom lip. What's this new location means? New infection?

The itchy tingle is the first sign of an impending cold sore. Cold sore remedies are most effective at this time, before the blisters develop (expectant mothers should consult a doctor before using the usual cold sore medicines!!).

Home remedies may prevent the cold sore from developing past the itchy stage: holding ice on the area for a few minutes (and repeat several times), a thick paste of baking soda, or a dab of rubbing alcohol.

Prevention is the best cold sore remedy so far they say. Increased sun exposure, poor diet, lack of sleep and illness can all be the triggers. Well, with first trimester nausea it is hard to keep a healthy diet and sleep isn't come easy either.

I do not believe it!

7+6 today. Herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1) is back!! Just what I needed to cheer up my nausea!

Yesterday evening I started to feel that tingling sensation on my bottom lip and a tiny blister came out just before bed. This morning I woke up with a burning, itching, swelled, giant blister almost in the middle of the bottom lip. Unbelievable! It was only in July that I had cold sores. I did not expect it so soon as I thought the antibodies are doing their job. It's not even four months since the last outbreak which lasted more than two weeks!!

I was so worried all night. I couldn't sleep much and woke up at 4am. I hope Bunny is safe. He should be safe. Must be safe!! I do not want to loose him, again.

I called my GP first thing this morning. She said that it does not effect my pregnancy and there is oral medication for it. Is that safe I asked. She said that they usually do not give it to pregnant women. Why to mention then?? She said that I can use Zovirax as the absorption through the skin is minimum, plus the book says there is not known harmful effect. It wasn't really convincing so I decided not to put anything on it (just to ease any discomfort). Not even salt paste!!

Some forum mentioned that Abreva, Valtrex, or Blistex is safe. Who knows really!?! There is not enough research when it comes to pregnancy and the first trimester is so vulnerable. I will just wait it out as it will start to heal on its own within a few days. Not sure about lysine (an amino acid) supplement either. I may try to apply ice to the sore. Frequent hand washing, plenty of water, vitamin C rich fruits.

The virus stays in my body for life and there is no cure. Hormonal changes like pregnancy trigger a cold sore...

WEEK 7

I am 7 weeks pregnant (33 weeks to go!!). BabyBunny is about the size of a blueberry. Bunny has webbed fingers and toes. Tiny Bunny is still an embryo. He has a tail, an extension of his tailbone, but it will disappear within a few weeks.

My appetite is lost and gone. I cannot remember what it feels like being hungry or wanting food. I made my favourite dish over the weekend but the smell, the look and the taste too made me sick so poor DH had to ate it (for 3 days!!).

Toast for breakfast, toast for lunch. I ate much more bread in the past two weeks than in the past two years. Now even the smell makes me sick. When the first trimester is over I don't want to see another slice of bread for the next two or three years for sure.

For dinner I enjoyed buffalo mozzarella and tomato with green salad (rocket, watercress and spinach leaves) - four evenings is a row. Finally something healthy for BabyBunny!

DH makes a fresh ginger root tea for me every morning. Maybe because of this one day is better than the other but the next one is worse than the previous one when it comes to nausea. The 'Comfort Bands' are useless.

Still spending my days in my PJs. I did not leave the apartment in the past 4 days. I do not feel I want to dress up or go out see people or want to go near to a restaurant.

I noticed that when sleeping or lying on one side for longer period of time my arm, hand or hip grows numb on that side. I will definitely mention this to the midwife on my first appointment which arrived on post early this week. The appointment is on the 15th DEC. So much for an early scan after what happened in APR. I also booked a screening test (a scan and a blood test).

Diarrhoea is still an everyday companion but I am happy that I am able to keep food down (so far) thus BabyBunny gets his nutrition.

I have pimples all over my face, painful, red pimples deep under the skin...

WEEK 6

I am 6 weeks pregnant (34 weeks to go!). BabyBunny is about the size of a lentil bean. Bunny's tiny heart is beating!!

No significant change in appetite. I wish I would not have to eat! All food is unattractive. Even just thinking of food or thinking of eating stirs up my stomach.

Diarrhoea every morning...

My right breast more painful than the other. My nipples become extra-sensitive. Both of them hardened all the time.

Housekeeping is worst than ever. Loading the washing machine is all I did in the past week around the house. Shame on me!

Deep inside I am happy that I am pregnant. I know it will end when the first three months are behind me. I am keep telling to myself it is a good sign, it is a good sign, you just have to survive, just hang on for a few more weeks...

Survive the day

Over the weekend nothing has changed. On Sunday we went to the pharmacy to ask if there is a safe medication for nausea in pregnancy. There is non, said the pharmacist. Desperate! Seven more weeks of this, at best, if not longer. How am I going to survive this dreadful condition? I know I am not the first one, not the only one but this doesn't give me comfort. Why should it?

Ginger, said the pharmacist. It just doesn't work for me. I tried it fresh, crystallized, pickled, no luck. Ginger biscuit don't work either. So I got the 'Comfort Bands' from TravelBlue. Even if it eases my all-day-nausea by half that would be great.

We posted the new registration form to the hospital. It doesn't make sense but they asked for it. I had to sign three papers, one of these were the religion and ethnicity statement. 2011!! I fear that I can be underprivileged as this country is catholic and I am not. My religion should be my private thing. And asking about ethnicity I just think it is so distinctive! By not sending back this form they won't accept my registration. How nice!

I enclosed a letter requesting for an early scan. I am hoping for a scan around 8 weeks.

Only a veggie Subway sandwich was the only nice thing about Saturday. I know, I know that I should be eating healthy with a varied diet but I just happy that I still can eat and keep it down. Small burps and winds kept me happy for the day.

Sunday I couldn't leave the apartment. Nausea seems to worsen. I could manage a grapefruit for breakfast. I stayed in PJs all day lying in bed and endure. Poor DH, he has to run the house around me. I no longer make dinner for him. He has to eat what he finds in the fridge. But he's not a lost man I have to say.

I had a few hours release of my dreaded nausea. Band? Plenty of water? An apple was nice, and an orange, and some tangerines too.

Today is 5+4. Diarrhoea every morning for the past seven days. Weak tummy. Almost trembling. My breath is terrible, almost throw up brushing my teeth this morning.

Housekeeping? I cannot stand the kitchen since last TUE. No cooking, no washing up, no washing, no ironing, no cleaning. Everything is a mess. Now, when the hygiene is crucial and the good nutrition and balanced diet is vital I follow neither. I am just happy to survive each day. But I feel guilty about it, very guilty! Still around 7 more weeks to go of this misery. How am I going to cope? The peek of the hCG hormone (what causes the nausea) is just yet to come at 8-11 weeks. Help me!

Before the nausea started I constipated even with the usual portion of porridge for breakfast. Now I cannot stand the porridge. My nostrils feels like grow narrow over the past few days. My lips are chapped just like the last time. I feel my upper tummy is on fire, burning inside like a nice, slow fireplace. I look sick in the mirror with a yellowish-greenish face. My breasts are still tender and hurtful on the sides but it started to ease a little, in addition my nipples begin to feel super-sensible. My sleep improved though. Before finding out the BFP I woke up around 4am every morning, and the sleepiness was gone, I felt restive and nervous inside my chest for no reason. Now I sleep the nigh through except one little trip to the loo.

With all these bad symptoms I know that I should be happy. The miracle has happened. No hCG hormone – no pregnancy possible. This keeping me sane.

WEEK 5

I am 5 weeks pregnant (35 weeks to go!!). BabyBunny is about the size of a sesame seed.

Events so far:
16 SEP - LMP
26 SEP - ovulation (?)
5&6 OCT - spotting (implantation bleeding)
12 OCT - BFP
18 OCT - lost appetite, all-day-nausea
19 OCT - GP (EDD 21/06/12, 55 kg, BP 134/80)
20 OCT - 5+0

Today is the third day of 'sick-all-day' started on TUE morning (4+5) with a complete loss of appetite. On that evening I made DH to stare at me. For dinner I had a sandwich: multi-grain bread, cottage cheese, feta cheese and KETCHUP on top. You should have seen his face. On that evening only ketchup (low salt, low sugar) was the only truly sympathetic component.

Yesterday ketchup sill seemed very sympathetic but today it is a no-no too. Nothing is desirable, no food sounds appealing, not one of my old favourites! I am miserable.

Diarrhoea and chills daily...

GP for confirmation

We went to the GP this morning. No, not to the previous one, I have chosen a new one, a younger, a more sympathetic one. She could be around my age.

She wanted to sign me to a different hospital because all her patients go there but I said the old one from my January pregnancy will do. They know my history. I hope for an earlier scan around week 8.

I showed the supplements what I took in pre-conception (Pregnacare and MorDHA) and what I am taking now (Prenatal Nutrients from Solgar and MumOmega). No vitamin C or Prebio7 this time, I was afraid to take. She said no extra vitamin C but she gave a green light to the probiotics.

I also asked about herbal teas. She said that camomile and peppermint are OK. When I asked about exercise she said no need for it. I was surprised as all I hear how positive to exercise during pregnancy for mummy and baby alike.

I peed in a container. She checked it but did not say a thing about it so I presume all is good. I am officially pregnant!

Today's measures were weight: 54.5 kg, blood pressure: 134/80 (systolic/diastolic). She did not measure my BMI. My new EDD: 21/06/2012. 21st of June just days away from my BD ;-))

What are the symptoms? Some breast pain and since yesterday morning lost appetite and all day lasting mild nausea.

Hoping for a boy

I am more calm and optimistic and generally very positive about this pregnancy. I feel this inside. I know it is going to happen this time and in summer next year I will have a healthy, cute, beautiful, adorable baby. I hope for a boy. I cannot imagine myself as I girl-mom. I like blues, greens, and browns, anything but pink. I do not like princesses, or tulle skirts, or girlish stuff. But sex doesn't matter only health is important!

The irony is, I already found the perfect name for a girl :-D)))

Second HPT

In confirmation of the yesterday's BFP I used the second test this morning and no surprise it was a + again. Yep, definitely pregnant ;-))

Ovulation Calendar (7) - try No.3 and BFP

This period was a very exciting one. First the 'busy bee project' (we did our very best!!), then the signs and little symptoms which made today's outcome possible, the BFP!

Probably many of you know the feeling that you want to shout it out to the whole world and to keep it in secret at the same time. I want for the whole world to know and I want to hide and cherish my precious little secret.

The signs were unmistakable. After ovulation on the first Sunday (one week) uncomfortable breasts, which from the second Sunday (two weeks) are constant, plus the occurring 'spotting' 9 days after ovulation. I did not have 'implantation bleeding' in January, so I took it as a very good sign.

I DID NOT expect my period today, and after this morning's arisen temperature I couldn't help and I did a HPT, and it was a BFP straight away!! It was a confirmation what I already knew, I am pregnant again.

There was the question, should I call DH and tell him the long awaited sweet news, or just send him a text message with a + sign, or just wait impatiently until he comes home and let him discover the wonder. Eventually I chose to wait. I left the test in the bathroom so when he comes home and goes in to wash his hands he will find it.

When he arrived his first question was Did you pee on a stick? I did not answer, said something else. He asked me few more times but I couldn't hide the smile on my face. He knew then that the answer is YES and POSITIVE.

My original EDD...

...is today, 11th of October. How do I feel about this? I am still angry. Angry to my GP for that flu jab and angry to myself for letting it happen. With a categoric NO I could have a baby by now. But who is to blame nobody knows.

Ovulation Calendar (6) - try No.2

Measuring and recording the Basal Body Temperature (BBT), plus observing and recording the Cervical Fluid/Mucus (CF or CM) and the position and texture of the cervix are the ways to keep an eye on fertility signs. Watch for the signs and you will get a good chance to get pregnant (read more on FertilityFriend).

To reach my cervix (same position, same time) I never tried. It's too uncomfortable, besides it took 3 or 4 tools to reach for the GP herself when she took the smear test. She said there is a bend, a curve in it. Fertile when it's open, high and soft), non-fertile when it's closed, low and hard.

But observing the cervical mucus is much easier. There is a pattern throughout a cycle: it is dry after the period, then gets sticky, creamy, watery and becoming eggwhite like at ovulation, and dries up again afterwards. When ovulation is approaching it increasing in quantity and becoming more clear and stretchy, and it is a good host for sperms. The eggwhite cervical fluid is the fertile one.

The lifespan of the egg after ovulation is just around 12 hours, not much huh! Fertilization must take place within this timeframe. A very short window! But sperm deposited prior to ovulation can survive for 3 to 5 days, hurrah! So baby making intercourse not to be limited to that 12 hour only but upto 5 days ;-)

On cycle day 10 and 11 my cervical mucus was sticky. I looked on the tissue for consistency, it was thread like. We made some Baby Dance (PM-AM-PM) on day 11 and day 12...

Looking at my temperature curve I thought the day 8 or day 10 is too early but the day 12 is sure. The automatically detected ovulation day is on day 19. Well, with the cervix position and texture and the cervical fluid could be more precise, now just looks for the temperature shift, but day 19 is too far I think. In the past months it was on day 14, day 18, day 11, day 13, and now on day 19. There is a long distance between 11 and 19. My period length varied from 25, 25, 25, 27, and 26 only. There is not much of a difference in the length, so it cannot be much difference in my ovulation days from month to month. The length of the follicular phase may vary but the luteal phase length is generally constant from cycle to cycle for the same woman. But clearly day 12 wasn't my ovulation day either as I am not pregnant.

Ovulation Calendar (5) - delay

My period was two ways late, because of the virus I guess. It was bad, because of the salt paste I guess. It definitely wasn't a good idea to let the virus flourish. I never had two blisters before, and usually 5 day a maximum but this time it was more like 10-14 days! Stupid me, listening to Internet gossip!!

We decided to postpone the BD for a second time. I was too afraid that with this virus story for this month's egg development clearly not a good idea to try for a baby.

The blister unleashed and strikes back

Tuesday morning - Small blister on the lower lip. Salt paste (I found on the NET that this is an effective way to fight back, as I did not wanted to use strong medicine like Zovirax because of the baby-making-process we are in).

Tuesday afternoon - A second blister appears next to the first one. More salt paste!

Wednesday morning - Two blisters. Ugly and red as hell! Local pharmacy. Cymex cream (pharmacist's recommendation).

Wednesday afternoon - Two blisters. No improvement. Sore, itchy.

Thursday morning - GP. Viralief cream (Aciclovir, the active ingredient, works by slowing down the virus. If used early enough, it has been shown to stop cold sores developing and speed up the healing of cold sore blisters. To be used for 5 days.

My advice, never try the salt paste!!

Just perfect!!

Second day of my menses and guess who knocked this morning, Mr. Herpes labialis! Just what I needed!

Sunday we had a big walk on the seaside with no cloud just pure sunshine on the vivid blue sky. Thanks to that, I don't know. My immune system couldn't be down.

I had my first Herpes labialis (oral herpes) when I started to work. One of my colleague had a bad one, after her all of us got it. Since then (2002 or 2003), thanks to her it generally comes back in every 2-3 years. I can't recall when was it last time, but a good while ago, probably 3 years(ish).

Herpes labialis is an infection of the lip by herpes simplex virus (HSV-1). It brings out small blisters or sores on or around the mouth (commonly known as cold sores or fever blisters). Once HSV-1 has entered the body, it never leaves!! There is no method to eradicate herpes virus from the body. Pity! The virus moves from the mouth to quietly reside, remain latent in the central nervous system, and may be influenced by stress, menstruation, sunlight, sunburn, fever. Sun-triggered recurrence is common.

Ovulation Calendar (4) - try No.1

Three months passed, we waited as we planned. It is time for the first attempt. I had an extremely greedy appetite for sex on the 8th, 9th, and 10th days of my cycle. The hormones were working and we did our best ;-)

My past menstrual cycle's Ovulation Calendar is below (the whole cycle (especially the follicular phase) was a hectic one). As you see my computer-calculated-ovulation-day is on the 11th -- on the first day of our BD. And on top of that it was a PM BD (all of them actually). When it shows the ovulation day it is already happened. It shows afterwards, never ahead. According to this, we've missed it.

At the end of my cycle when the temperature drops from 35.5 °C to 35.3 °C, on that morning I know my menses is on it's way. And later that morning, maybe early afternoon it arrives. I usually welcome it but not his time.

Ovulation Calendar (3)

Here is my fertility chart for June. The story behind it is that in the first two weeks of the month we went on holidays. First few days to parents and for the rest of it to France. Paris, to be more precise. During visiting the parents both of us got sick. The weather wasn't summery at all. Or we caught something on the airplane. Either way we cough real bad within 2 or 3 days. Runny nose, constant coughing just two of the highlight. I stopped the charting as I couldn't stick to my usual 06:45. After returning home I started to chart again. Because of the missing data, the dots are linked with a dashed line. With this nice respiratory tract infection we thought it is best to postpone the trying, the BD (Baby Dance) as nothing good will come out of the past two weeks events. Besides it is not even three months sice my miscarriage.

Fertility charting - Ovulation Calendar

I have always been recorded the first day of my period as far as I can remember, from the beginning I think. I noted down the first day and also for how long it lasted (usually for 5 days). My cycle was 26-27 days long. It's a good way to keep an eye on it and easy to know what's happening.

On the tenth day after my miscarriage I started to measure my BBT (Basal Body Temperature) and started to charting it on FertilityFriend to find out my ovulation day. With an 'average' cycle length (28 days) it is on the 14th day, so half way, two weeks before the period (a menstrual cycle may be anywhere from 21 to 35 days). I calculated mine would be on the 12th or on the 13th and I was curious to see it.

So I stared to chart. Every morning, same time (yes, even on weekends too) after waking up but not getting out of the bed. It is best done with a special BBT thermometer, but is was expensive and unavailable so I bought a digital thermometer (it beeps when ready and remembers the measured temperature). The key is same time every morning!


Each cycle has three phases: menses, follicular phase and luteal phase. Menses is the period (the cycle begins on the first day of the period). Follicular phase is the phase before ovulation, when the ovarian follicles are developing. Luteal phase is the phase after ovulation. The length of the follicular phase may vary but the luteal phase length is generally constant from cycle to cycle for the same woman.

In a menstrual cycle several ovarian follicles begin to mature and develop under the influence of pituitary hormones. The growing follicle secretes the hormone estrogen. The surge of luteinizing hormone (LH) triggers the release of the fully developed (matured) egg from its follicle. The egg (ovum) begins to travel towards the uterus in the fallopian tube. This is where fertilization takes place.

The follicle that released the egg (becomes corpus luteum) begins to secrete the heat-inducing hormone, progesterone (only released after ovulation). When you see the BBT raise the ovulation has passed. So charting the BBT alone it only can tell you when you pass ovulation. Temperature rise after ovulation!


Chart Key: On the side is the temperature scale, the top is the date, and the bottom is the cycle day line with the cycle days. Day 1 is (cycle begins) when fresh blood observed (spotting doesn't count). The menses (pink square) can be light (L), medium (M) or heavy (H). A star (*) is for spotting. Blue dots are used when temperature is measured in the set time (mine is 06:45), and circles are in use when there is a large time difference. The vertical red line marks the day of ovulation (detected automatically based on recorded data). The horizontal red line is the coverline (it helps to see the pre- and post-ovulation temperatures).

To observe other fertility signs (estrogen levels are high and ovulation is approaching) such stretchy, egg white' cervical fluid (CF or CM) and a high, soft and open cervix can more correctly pin-point the ovulation. As a beginner in all this I am just measuring my BBT for now.

Forum abbreviations

I don't know about you but I needed some time to decode and get used to the abbreviations what are in use on pregnancy related forums. Here is a few, feel free to add more to this list:

A&E = Accident and Emergency Department
AF = Aunt Flow (period)
BBT = Basal Body Temperature
BFN = Big Fat Negative
BFP = Big Fat Positive
BIL = Brother In Law
BP = Blood Pressure
CM = Cervical Mucus
D&C = Dilation and Curettage (surgical procedure)
DD = Dear/Dearest/Darling Daughter
DH = Dear/Dearest/Darling Husband
DS = Dear/Dearest/Darling Son
DPO = Days Past Ovulation
ECV = External Cephalic Version (turning a breech baby during pregnancy)
EDD = Estimated/Expected Date of Delivery
EPU = Early Pregnancy Unit
ERPC = Evacuation of Retained Products of Conception
EWCM = Egg White Cervical Mucus
FHB = Foetal Hearth Beat
FIL = Father In Law
FMU = First Morning Urine
HPT = Home Pregnancy Test
HCG = Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (pregnancy hormone)
IF = Infertility
IVF = In Vitro Fertilisation
LMP = Last Menstrual Period
MC = Miscarriage
MIL = Mother In Law
MMC = Missed Miscarriage
MOH = My Other Half
O = Ovulation
OB = Obstetrician
OPK = Ovulation Predictor Kit
POAS = Pee On A Stick
SIL = Sister in Law
SO = Significant Other
TTC = Trying To Conceive
US = Ultrasound (Sonography)
VBAC = Vaginal Birth After C-section

Back on track

My period has returned today, 30 days (one month sharp) after a 97 days short (or long in that matter) pregnancy (which was anembryonic) ending with a (missed) miscarriage at 13+6.

The doctor scared me with more blood and pain than usual for this first one. Heavier bleeding indeed but no pain at all. A bit of discomfort that's all it was today. I mentioned earlier that before I started the preparations (i.e. taking supplements) for my pregnancy I had serious cramps on the first day of my period, but the zinc in the conception vitamin formula helped to solve this problem and since (August 2010) my periods are virtually painless. So is this one.

In the past two or three days I was irritated (poor DH) and hungry all the time even right after dinner. I could only hope that I'm not pregnant right away as I want to wait two periods to give some time to my body to get the confidence and strength back.

I had no idea when should I expect the return of AF (Aunt Flow = period), so I calculated from my January LMP. According to these calculations it is 5 days earlier. How interesting, it kept the pattern!

Forty-three

The doctor just called from EPAU about the blood test. The result is 43. It's not as I could make anything out of it (it was my first pregnancy related blood test) but he explained that this is very low and it will soon return to zero...

Blood test

The home pregnancy test came out positive, although the pain and the bleeding were present only on Friday. I called the hospital about the positive test, told the nurse that there was no pain, no blood after Friday. She redirected me to a doctor who said that I need to go in for a blood test, to check my hCG level. So I went in and I let myself drained. The doctor will call me tomorrow with the result.

Folic acid

I started to take folic acid again. Not with vitamins and minerals (not jet) just on it's own (Clonfolic). The leaflet says at least 14 weeks before getting pregnant. Well, I want to wait two periods anyway so there will be enough weeks for it.

Why do I want to wait two periods? Who knows what will be the first like, the second one should be more 'normal'. After a miscarriage easy to get pregnant again but not to wait for after a period will make it hard to establish the pregnancy dates (LMP). With no dates how would the doctor know that the baby's development is adequate?

What is happening?

Through the day I had period like pain the one before it arrives with tightening in the lower abdomen, and on top of that some fresh blood. My period for this month was due yesterday. Can it be already? Ten days after miscarriage?? No, it's too early. The doctor said it will return around 6 weeks. Ovulation can happen as early as 2 weeks. What is the fresh bleeding after days of brown spotting?

I called the hospital about the situation. The nurse said not to worry (just jet) but to do a pregnancy test after 4 days and if it is positive return to the hospital for another scan.

Epilogue of a pregnancy

Very early this morning (looks like mornings are the bugbears) I had sharp pain here and there in my lower abdomen. It was very, very uncomfortable and painful too. Going to the toilet lot of dark blood came out and the pain eased finally. With the morning pee a ball of blood came out, it was a size of a walnut and it had whitish things in it (I would say 1/3 was white).

Booked appointment @ the EPU this morning (I am glad I did not cancel it). Same assistant but a new doctor, female this time. There is nothing wrong seeing different doctors, several eyes see more, but I would wanted the 'old' one for today as he examined me previously (twice), he would knew exactly what to look for. It is not a request program. She was nice and thoroughgoing. Measured everything. Something was 4.6 (or was it 4.8?) and she said that's fine and everything looks perfect. It was reassuring to hear. She checked my ovaries too. The bleeding can continue up to 10-14 days but it will decrease. If a heavy bleeding returns that is a sign of infection. She said with my next pregnancy the chances are for a miscarriage 1 in 5, so not increased because of this one. My period should return in 6 weeks and it will be heavier than usual. I told her about the blood-ball this morning, she said it was pregnancy tissue.

It isn't over just yet. I will relax only when the bleeding stops (end of next week I guess) and my period returns to normal.

What was this pregnancy like? With no previous experience I compared to what's written in the books or on the forums. Compared to those it was normal until the bleeding struck at 10+3. I had nausea, lost appetite, dislike of food in general from 7+1 (maybe this late start was a sign?). I had sensitive nipples, painful breast with a network of blue veins (still have them). Occasional nose bleed, occasional 'pink toothpaste'. Metallic taste in my mouth occasionally. I was more sleepily, I got tired more easily. I had 'baby brain', kept forgetting appointments and planned things. My tummy was bloated at the beginning. The bowel movements were frequent with burps and wind. At the end I had a definite bump, a trouser-tightening. I just do not know where to put the peeling skin (which disappeared from my fingers and toes since, only a few dry areas left on my heels to remind me about it). Was it a sign of a problem (started at 6+6)?? All the doctors and pharmacists I asked said that not to worry about it. What I did not have are cravings, heartburn, constipation and mood swings. I promised to myself that I won't become a pregnant b**ch, a husband’s nightmare, so I will try to control my pregnancy hormones the best I can. Of course I got irritated on few occasions but I think it was really just a few.

The whole miscarriage thing from the first (and only) bleeding to the last contraction, I mean to complete it took 25 days (3 weeks and 3 day). DH was very patient and very anxious for me the whole time. He's sweet. He is my pillar and my best friend.

Was it a good choice to miscarry naturally? Three weeks ago it seemed like the best option. On Monday it seemed like the worst one. Monday on the way to the hospital all I could think of that I understand now why women choose the D&C. It hurt like hell, I thought I won't make it! Today again I think that the natural way is the best option.

My view on hospital care in general is good. They are trying to help, some of them less, some of them more. In general I was satisfied (based on three visits to the ER and also three to the EPAU).

What do I feel? How I feel? First of all I feel relieved, I feel free and I am happy that my body was able to handle the end on its own. It isn't a stupid body after all! Secondly I do not feel (or think) that I lost a baby. There was no baby, it can't be lost. Is it a good thing or a really bad thing to feel this way, I do not know. It was a lesson, the life's lesson for life, and need to move beyond it. Now it is a past.

About the future? It is a tricky question. Why? Because I did everything by the book and didn't get what I wanted. Let's take one by one:

• We do not smoke. I did for a few months when I was in college (bad company around) but that was twelve years ago. Since then just a 'passive smoker' but I avoid as much as I can even to take a sniff of it (holding my breath when passing a chimney person).
• We drink alcohol of course but with very good moderation I would say. Since last August till last week there was non for me and DH only had few beers and few glasses of wine since my pregnancy was confirmed. We were non-alcoholic for five months prior conception.
• We eat a balanced, healthy diet, I think (compared to the large average). Lots of veg and fruit, daily, and most of them are eaten raw. No cola, no sugary or energy drinks, no coffee daily (occasional sips), no fast food, no ready-made food, plus reading all the ingredients on the labels, and buying organic where possible.
• Prior to conception both of us took vitamins and minerals from August (so for five months before even trying for a baby).

What is missing here? Sport activities! Well, I never was a sportswoman. I need to work on this one for sure.

I thought I was doing the best I could. Was it the flu vaccine? Was it the 500 mg vitamin C? Was it the air, was it the water? Million combinations are possible. So see, planning pregnancy by the book doesn't really work (or it just did not work for me). There is no proven recipe. Every woman and every pregnancy is different.

The last chapter

Another fine morning... Early this morning I woke up to cramps or contractions, I wasn't sure. It came less frequently but lasted longer and was stronger than the day before. It was more tense and tightening. I could manage it for a half an hour only, but couldn't bear it any longer, so I made a warm bath again but it did not help this time, did not ease the pain like before. I spent almost two hours in the water. It was literally a blood bath at the end. DH woke up so I asked for tequila again. After that I could relax, I went almost numb, it has eased finally.

After my nice, long (and well deserved) morning sleep we had breakfast (DH stayed at home with me). Around midday another wave of pain struck. Harder and more painful than ever. I decided to take one of the prescribed tablets (Diclac 75 mg - Diclofenac Sodium) instead of my home remedy tequila. I withdrew again into the bathroom for a warm bath. Needless to say, it did not help. The pill seemed useless too but I did not dare to send sips of booze after it so I just suffered. I couldn't find any position to make it tolerable when the pain struck. It came stronger and stronger and lasted for longer and longer. Yesterday the doctor said if I do not feel comfortable at home I can come in. Well, this was way beyond my lack of comfort. It was unbearable so I said to DH that this is it, I cannot bear it any longer and decided to go in.

It looked like a good decision but I almost couldn't get out of the bath when the pain struck. I managed it to the toilet. I had to pee and poo urgently. Then I found a strange thing when I wiped myself. It wasn't just dark blood, it was roughly around 2 cm and had round edges. Could it be the sac, I thought. No, it was the mucus plug!

I managed to put on some clothes then we caught a taxi and were in the hospital by 2mp. There was/were only one or two girls waiting. Shortly a nurse came out, I told her that I am having a miscarriage right now and I am in a lot of pain. She said that there is one person before me so told me to get my chart from the EPAU. Bent in half I managed to toddle to the assistant's room. "Out to lunch" sign. Great! Quarter of an hour we waited, then came the nurse looking for me and told us to go and queue at the check-in window and ask for my chart there because the doctor cannot see me without my chart. Go? Queue?? I could die here, woman!

We went and queued. The girl at the other end of the window went for it right away (I must looked like dying). I had my chart, I had my pain, tears were rolling down my cheeks. And the nurse? She was chatting in the corridor with another nurse. Suddenly I felt something is going down, blood, a lot of blood. I went to the toilet and then a big ball fell out right away. It was so big that if I would put my palms together to form a bowl it would fill it. A big ball of dark red blood. And the pain went away at the same time. I was relieved. I felt myself easy and light weighted. I reached for toilet paper. There was non. I started to laugh. Then realized the situation is far from funny. I heard girls talking so I asked them to hand some toilet paper for me. All other boxes were empty too. I was laughing loud. Eventually someone found someone who could bing some.

The pain wen away, far away. We been waiting for another 5-10 minutes for the nurse then she came, measured my blood pressure, my temperature and something else on my index finger. She asked why I came, what is the problem. Problem? Oh nothing really, I just miscarried, here, on my feet, while chasing my chart. But I did not say the words, I stayed nice. Started to talk about the events that began three weeks ago, then went on with the last night's action, the today's morning and noon battle, and finished with what just happened ten minutes ago. She looked absent-minded while listening and taking notes. I had to repeat a few. Then she asked questions: What was the colour of it exactly? Was there white in it? Do you have it? Dark red. I do not know, it happened so fast that I only glimpsed the rough colour and the rough size of it. No, I do not have it! She said that it seems it is over, it happened, and the doctor will see me shortly there is one person before me.

Quarter past three I was in the ER at last. I couldn't catch the doctor's name or maybe she didn't say. She was bored and disinterested. It was hard to pick up any thread of communication with her. She said she will do an internal scan but did an external eventually. She checked the cervix as well. The cervix closed already and the sac was absent in my uterus. It is over, she said. The thickness of my uterus measured 1.6 or 16. When I asked, she said that's good.

After I got off the examination table I sat down beside her at the table. She looked at me with surprise and said you can go now. I was even more surprised with this statement. Go?? What to expect in the coming days? Do I need another check? I asked. It will ease, she replied. I said I have an appointment with the EPAU on Wednesday, she said I don't need that. I thanked for her time and we left. Yesterday I had the best but today the worst shift (it just wasn't my day). Well, I need and want someone who shows more interest and tells me what next. I will go to that EPAU appointment what I have already.

This is the end of my first pregnancy. It lasted for 13 weeks and 6 days, in other words for 97 days, or for 3 months and 6 days.

Sunday, bloody Sunday

More cramps around 8 am, strong, period-like ones with more thick, dark coloured, viscous blood. The pain went away again after half an hour or so.

We were grocery shopping when around 6 pm severe pain hit me in the lower abdomen. It lasted for about 20 seconds then it eased off but returned every 3 to 5 minutes. I experienced nothing like this before. I felt it coming and getting stronger. When we arrived home the pad was totally soaked. I made a nice warm bath. I asked for some tequila (the only alcohol around the house at the mo.) instead of painkillers. DH decided to rather wait outside. I did not blame him, men have no experience of monthly bleeding, I am sure it freaks them out. The water was so nice with the sips of tequila. Then I thought I would call the hospital and ask is this how it should happen? When I said I am 13+5 today the nurse in the ER said that I should go in for a check. I was sorry to leave my nice bath. The pain eased off only the bleeding remained heavy.

The nurse took all my details from, the very beginning (address, mobile number, date of birth, LMP, and here came the fun part: 5th of January, I said, and the nurse in response to this: 19XX??)

In the ER (after my 'very detailed' explanation of the whole story starting with first ER visit 3 weeks ago, yeah, I talk too much when I am scared, or maybe the tequila made me talkative) a young doctor did a cervix check and an internal scan. She was nice and gentle. The cervix was still closed and the sac was still there but it started to come off she said. She gave a detailed explanation of the missed miscarriage thing (this type is very common) and of the current events (the pain was contraction pain). She said it will happen in the next 2-3 days. There will be pain, there will be blood (sounded like a threat). She prescribed an anti-inflammatory painkiller and said if I cannot manage the pain or the blood at home I can come back anytime. She was explanative and very patient towards all my questions. I think all doctors should be attentive, careful and mindful like Amie/Amy!

By the end of examination all my contractions went away so we had a nice walk home. It felt so good to breathe in the unusual warm air.

Cramps and bleeding

Early this morning (around 4 am) I woke up to tiny cramps, after a while I went to the toilet and thick, dense, wine-red coloured, viscous blood came out. I crawled back to bed, the pain ceased and I could fell back to sleep. There was some dark red coagulated blood passing during the day but without any more cramping. Maybe the stretching with the hovering yesterday launched what I been waiting for?

In the afternoon we went to the 'Pregnancy & Baby Fair'. We talked and walked for two hours, collected a lot of information about products and services.

Time flies

Happened exactly three weeks ago that I had the bleeding, out of the blue. The bright, abundant blood came as a shock. I was shaking when I called the hospital. Until then there was no indication that anything is wrong with my pregnancy. One ER scan and two EPAU scans confirmed that there is no life inside, not a sign of it.

Choosing the natural way with this missed miscarriage (anembryonic pregnancy), with brown spotting on and off the waiting is just tiring. It gives me time to think, a lot. Probably I shouldn't brood too much over this, it cannot be undone. It hurts of course and hard to let it go but no use crying over spilt milk, right? Am I giving up too easily? Three weeks makes you acceptive and acquiescent. I am 13+3 today.

Today I finally managed to clean and organise the living room. The place is now in order, looks like a proper one, like it should be. Nice and tidy. Poor DH tolerated the chaos without a word. I felt ashamed of myself but I just could not bring myself to keep it in order. Won't happen again! Should not happen again!

13 weeks exactly

I'm still waiting, waiting... waiting to miscarry naturally. Brown spotting only, no cramps, no bleeding yet. One day is easier than other. One day I feel acquiescence, another day the helplessness upsets me. It happened for a reason, that's for sure, but it would be nice to know THAT reason just for the peace of mind. Just to know that the baby did not develop beyond implantation, because I cannot get rid of the thought that the flu vaccine made this happen. I wish I would have stayed stronger against the GP's pushing will!

Today I finally took over the kitchen. As my appetite is slowly coming back I cooked at last. In the past quite a few weeks (well, it was 6) I been nauseous all day every day and just couldn't make myself useful around the house. Place was (and still is) like a bomb hit in. The laundry and the dry linen is the main problem, a big mess, all over the place. Only the bedroom looks somewhat civilized. Pull yourself together L.T!

My DH has been so good doing all the cooking and washing up so we did not starve, thanks to him alone. I couldn't think of food in general but at the moment of eating the nausea went away and only came back after I sent down the last bite. Today the kitchen was managed, tomorrow the living room is next.

Doubts

I am 12+5 today. There was a slightly stronger browning yesterday than previous days but it stopped since. No pain, no cramps. Sensitive nipples. Tiny nausea.

There's a lot on my mind these days. Not knowing when, where or how will happen makes the whole thing uncertain and frightening. I am very scared tbo. It is hard waiting for it to happen.

I can't get out of my mind the thought, the question, the idea whether there was ever a baby (cells developed to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself) or the embryo stopped growing at a very early stage and was disintegrated (re-absorbed). Did I kill my little Bunny when I was forced to have the flu jab @ 4w+6d (2+6 after conception, 10 days after implantation)?? I'm afraid this will never come to light. A doctor will not speak against the other.

Do I wait it out for nature to take its course? Will I be able to do so without unexpected complications? I hope my body is capable of passing tissue on its own and there will not be a need for an invasive surgical procedure like the third option, the D&C (namely possible risk of tissue scarring).

We told family today what is the situation and not visiting them until this whole thing is over and I get the green to go on.

I put on some weight

I went to the pharmacy again to measure my weight out of curiosity. Same scale as seven weeks ago. No shoes, no jacket - 53.03 kg. Looks like I put on almost 2 kg!! Now that is an interesting outcome.

12 weeks in a nutshell

05 Jan - LMP
17/18 Jan - ovulation (?)
27 Jan - smear test
31 Jan - period due
01 Fed - two positive home pregnancy tests
07 Feb - GP confirmation (EDD: 11.10.2011), Flu Vaccine;
12 Feb - 51.3 kg (no boots, no jacket)
21 Feb - skin start to get loose on both thumbs
23 Feb - appetite loss, queasiness, nausea starts;
07 Mar - GP (loose skin, peeling fingertips on all of them), Emollient cream & wash;
13 Mar - toes start to peel
17 Mar - loose skin on both heels (where they touch the floor);
18 Mar - 1 am fresh blood, 8 am ER scan, empty sac;
21 Mar - EPAU scan, empty sac;
24 Mar - pm brown discharge
25 Mar - from 2 am to 4 am period like cramping
27 Mar - 54.7 kg (but with shoes and jacket on)
25/30 Mar - dark brown discharge (my period would due now for this month);
31 Mar - EPAU second scan, empty sac, anembryonic pregnancy;
01 Apr - waiting to miscarry naturally

Cramps

There was cramping during the night or rather dawn, very early morning. It was mild but strong enough (and long enough) to keep me awake. I thought this is it but then it was nothing in the morning, not a drop, even the wipe was clean.

Am I just waiting for the inevitable?

Today was the day. I didn't sleep much. Who could?! I had the second scan (internal) @ the EPAU this morning. The gestational sac was 'still' empty, furthermore it shrank in size. 10 day ago it was over 24 mm (nearly 25), now measuring 22 mm only. The doctor said it should be around 35 mm by now (it grows at a rate of about 1 mm a day). Furthermore the blood next to the sac doubled in size (looked to me). Doctor said my body already started to realize the inevitable (he said the same thing 10 days ago). I am 12+2 today.

The diagnosis is: 'missed miscarriage'. I thought a MMC means when the foetus dies but the body goes on as if the foetus is viable, in other words, the pregnancy ends with the death of the foetus. He said that previously they called it an 'anembryonic pregnancy' but it sounded not nice so now they just call it a missed miscarriage. Sounded not nice? Do you understand this reasoning?

He said this type for miscarriage is common in first pregnancy.

An anembryonic pregnancy is when the baby just does not develop beyond implantation, no yolk sac, no embryo. It is due to a chromosomal abnormality (possibly related to trisomies 16 and 22 ??). It may be more common in older mothers and is usually a problem with the egg rather the sperm. Approximate account for 45 to 55% of all miscarriages. Nothing can be done to prevent.

He said I have 3 options: 1. waiting to miscarry naturally; 2. medication; 3. surgery. I asked which one would he recommend. He said he cannot make any recommendation as the body is mine. Suggestion? No, he can't do that either. How do I choose then, I asked? I have to decide, he said. All of them equally safe. Just great! Surgery is out of the question! I would accept it as a very, very last solution only (10% chance for infection and 40% chance for a scar inside? no, thanks). I said if there is no risk in waiting then I want to wait it out, pass the sac naturally. No drugs, no surgery. I want to avoid the possible side effects and complications from medication and surgery.

He agreed. He wouldn't let me go if he would think it's not safe, would he? He said I have to be prepared as no one knows when or where will happen. Over 60% of women miscarry within the next 2 weeks, over 30% within the next two after that.

I asked what to expect. He said 3 periods at the same time. I wonder how would he know how a period feels like? When I asked about when we can try again he said right away after the first period.

For some reason over the past 10 days I was 'relatively' calm, maybe because I just didn't believe what I saw and heard in the ER and EPAU. I do not believe it even know. Or I just don't want to believe it? I pictured this pregnancy as a perfectly timed, spring is here, summer is coming, nice maternity clothes, baby going to be 3 month by Christmas... The reality is I am 33 in 3 months time.

On the way home something came at me and started to cry hysterically on the street. By the time I arrived home I was reasonable again. I went to the pharmacy, bought 2 packs of Maxi Night pads. The pharmacist was so nice and kind. She recommended these. I have a box of Paracetamol too. I cannot say I am prepared or ready. Actually I am very, very scared. No one seems to know how much blood, and how much pain I should expect.

Does it sound very cruel when I say that if this pregnancy meant to end in miscarriage I am pleased that there is no dead baby inside of me? I would not have the strength to see my dead baby passing through. I just could not take it.

No one knows in our family that I am (or I just was??) expecting. They are expecting us for Easter. We wanted to send them the scan-picture by post first before we arrive. Now we have to tell them that I am waiting to miscarry thus we cannot make it home for Easter.

The past 9 days

Tomorrow is judgement day (for me). I am 12w+1d today. In the past week I was feeling the same, PREGNANT. Hurtful, blue-veined breasts, nice round bump (sticking out), no appetite at all, nauseous from morning till finally falling asleep. How can I feel so pregnant with an empty sac?!

Over the weekend brown spotting started (I dared not even mention it to DH) here and there but no cramping (it would be my period for this month), I didn't even bother to ring the hospital. Should I be concerned about this browning? I don't know. Tomorrow we will see.

I don't really know anymore what the doctor will find or what I want him to find or not to find. I want my miracle!

I was relatively 'calm' over the last 9 days. Maybe because I just can't believe that the sac is empty. Today is different. My tummy is nervous, inside. What will happen tomorrow?

Just waiting

I guess the doctor thinks or hopes that in these 10 days I will miscarry naturally. I don't know how would be the best, cos my breasts still hurt, no appetite at all, feels like pregnant all the time, just like before the Friday bleeding (which lasted less than 24 hours). I don't know how can be the sac empty and me feeling so pregnant and going this far, I am 11w+2d today, still nauseous all day long.

I do not know what I am more afraid of the pain, the heavy blood (they say will come and when it comes few towels will needed), the scar (40% chance if D&C, plus 10% chance for infection) or the time of waiting to get ready to try again.

What if the scan next Thu will show no life, no growth and my cervix is still fully closed, will they force to open it?!?

I am trying to put fears and bad thoughts out of my mind, and not thinking until next scan, of course I hope for my miracle, as my body telling me that "we" are pregnant but maybe both of us been fooled. How can a body be fooled?

Oh, this day going to be just as bad as Mon and Tue, badly nauseous. Good thing or bad thing, will see next Thu.

The EPU

The bleeding stopped on Friday. There was little browning on Sat and even less (almost none) on Sun. My bump is the same (nice and sticking out), my breasts are still hurt and blue-veined, still queasy, nauseous all day every day. I am feeling the same as in the past few weeks, PREGNANT.

The EPU (or EPAU) internal scan did not bring good news however. I got the 'not looking good' outcome. The sac was empty and measured 7w+1d ONLY (the doctor said I miscalculated but NO, NO my period is regular so I am absolutely sure that I am 11 weeks tomorrow). There was blood beside the sac!! He said I started to miscarry naturally. Already signs for it.

He gave me another 10 days, then he will do another scan (hospital rules) before he can establish the diagnosis. But with the 'not looking good' thing above my head there isn't much hope for any change in a positive way, the way I would want it. It seems I do not deserve Baby Bunny just yet.

Bleeding / ER

I have a situation here. Very early this morning (around 1 am) we where sitting at the table playing a card game when I felt something is passing through, fluid going down. I though this is just some vaginal discharge (it increased slightly in the past few weeks). Then again, and again, and again!! And when I went to the toilet my heart almost stopped. It was fresh, bright blood all over. Out of the blue! No signs, no warning. So I called the hospital immediately. The midwife said that I can come in right away but if I want a proper scan I should come after 8 am as their scan not so correct in the Emergency Room, but at 8 am a doctor will do a better, more precise one. I said OK, I'll go at 8 because what is the point to have a not so reliable scan at 1:30 am and wait for another one till 8 am.

I didn't sleep much as you guess. Woke up a 7 and was in the hospital at 7:30. There was no one in the Emergency Room until 8. Then a midwife took my details, checked my dates (LMP), measured blood pressure, body temperature. I explained my complaint, she took notes. I presented even the supplements I take. She was not so pleased and asked me why I take so many. So many, I asked. I take only prenatal vitamin and pregnancy Omega-3-6. Probiotics are just for good digestion. She said go natural as possible. Lot's of fruit. All I need. That's interesting.

I gave a pee sample and waited for a doctor. She scanned me at 9:30. She saw the sac but there was no foetus or heartbeat! She did an internal scan too, but again just an empty sac, no foetus, no heartbeat. I considered my bleeding heavy as I used up 4 or 5 pads but she said 'not so bad'. She said that my cervix is fully closed (she checked it with a plastic tube but she was so brute I started to cry from pain she gave me, it hurt like hell). Se said (probably for at least 10 times) that this scan is not good and she is not an expert. So she referred me to a doctor (I thought I was seeing a doctor with a good scan) to the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit). The doctor (the 'expert senior' as the assistant called him) saw my papers and said to come back on Monday because no point to scan me again as I been scanned already. Yeah, scanned with a crap!

The new midwife was so nice and kind. She came to us afterwards and said that after the internal scan I will bleed more. She made me even more scared, although she ment to prepare me.

No pain, no cramping, not passing any cloth just bright red blood. No heartbeat, no foetus just an empty sac and a closed cervix. I am 10+3 today.

A guest

A guest arrived and will stay for 5 nights. He doesn't know that I am expecting. In fact no one knows but the two of us and the doctors. Roll on week 12th!

Toes too?

Three of my toes are started to peel. Unbelievable! So it is definitely not from the washing up liquid. Hormones? No one seems to know. Now this part is the most annoying!

Emollient

I went to the GP (different one) today with my peeling skin. She examined it and said dermatitis, then she dug out a book and showed me a picture. It was red blisters on a palm filled with yellowish fluid. Shocking. I said mine looks nothing like it. No redness, no fluid, mine not a blister at all. Skin gets loose then dries out and peel. However, this is it, she said. No, it isn't, just look at it!! She did not bother further, and sent me to the pharmacy for a DiproBase Emollient cream and E45 Emollient Wash Cream to use it at least 5 times a day. Although it is pregnancy related (probably the hormones are likely to playing their weird part) and pregnancy related problems are not to be charged, she charged me for the visit. Nice! At least she did not googled it while I was there like the one last year when I went there with chicken pox. Yeah, chicken pox over thirty years of age ;-)

Exercise

I never was a sportswoman. Especially now, I am too afraid to do any. I'll wait until I am over 12 weeks. Though I am doing pelvic exercise daily and taking the stairs instead of the elevator (4th floor).

8 weeks

Weeks really crawl. Can't wait to get my scan for the peace of mind, for reassurance, so it will seem real. Seeing is believing ;-)

The internet can put ideas into our head and make us stress unnecessarily. Is the baby's growing in the right place? No strong pregnancy symptoms? Incompetent cervix? Twins (double trouble but twice the fun)? I haven't had cramps or bleeding, which is good. I did not really want to plot my weight on a chart or monitor everything I ate each day. Worrying is no good for us both. Every pregnancy is different!

Feeling queasy, nauseous. Can't look at food, can't think of food. No appetite at all. It strikes at all hours of the day, from the moment I open my eyes till I finally fall asleep. It seems go away when I eat but after the last bit jumps back on me. I am sleepy. I have metallic taste in my mouth and excess saliva from time to time. Once the baby is healthy that's the main thing. No food cravings though. Maybe the vitamins do the trick.

Battling with a mountain of laundry. The place looks like a bomb went off!! I wish I had a magic wand to wave around.

I am 8 weeks today! 8 completed weeks!!

What's happening?!

I am experiencing a strange thing, which has never happened to me before. It started on my thumbs (on the tips just where the nail ends). I was doing the dishes early this week (Monday) and one or two hours after I noticed an 1 cm x 0,5 cm blister like thing (looked just like when you burn it with a hot baking tin) on my both thumbs. But it was empty, wasn't filled with fluid, just got loose. These dried out and now peel. It doesn't really hurt or anything just looks not nice. Very uncomfortable and worsens when I get them wet, more come apart. I have been clipping the loose skin with a nail trimmer. After a shower the skin is really loose. Yesterday I noticed on my two index fingers too. I have never had peeling fingers before. I use the same washing up liquid for the past 5 or 6 years (Ecover), and it is eco friendly so less chemicals in it.

Is this pregnancy related?? Is it a bacterial infection or a fungal infection?? Or lack of vitamins (E or A or C)?? Or an underlying disorder?? Can it harm my developing baby? I called my GP she said to put moisturizer on it. That's it??

Bad housekeeping

All the acknowledgement to those mothers-to-be-again who are struggling with the first trimester's charms and work full-time, rearing a child (or two, or three), keeping the house clean and husband happy with a nice evening meal! Towering mountains of unwashed dishes, unironed clothes and bed linen, I'm a disaster.

Lost appetite

Well, well! I cannot say I feel sick, just something is "not right" with my tummy. I lost my appetite. I am forcing myself to eat because I must but certainly I do not feel I really want to eat food at all. I am not saying that I am nauseous. Can't explain. If I think of something sweet, it gets even worse.

Lost memory

My memory is useless. I am trying to remember all day what was the name of movie I saw on Sat but no clue. And not just the title but absolutely no idea what it was about. Have to ask DH. He will think I am nuts. Baby brain!

I am 7 weeks today!

About my supplements

Prior to conception we (yes, DH too) took 'Pregnacare his and her conception' along with an extra 500 mg of vitamin C (Sona), and an Omega 3 and 6 fish oil capsule (Equazen Eye Q). Once a day with the main meal: one conception, one fish oil and one vitamin C.

For breakfast we ate (and still do) porridge (for every single morning) with a probiotic (a friendly bacteria, Prebio7 capsule) supplement to maintain intestinal health, improve absorption and assimilation of nutrients, and reinforce the body's immune system and natural defences.

After conception I switched to (Solgar) Prenatal Nutrients (two tablets a day, so one with breakfast and one with main meal) and first to MumOmega then to MorDHA (prenatal fish oil) plus took the 500 mg of vitamin C with them @ lunch.

When I went to the GP for confirmation she mentioned to take folic acid only, so I presented all the labels of those supplement I took at the time. She approved the probiotic right away. She wasn't convincing about the prenatal vitamin and mineral supplement and fish oil at all. But she said definitely stop (!) taking the vitamin C.

I thought I was doing the right thing about taking supplements as these days foods not so nutritious anymore. I read the Optimum Nutrition Before, During and After Pregnancy by Patrick Holford & Susannah Lawson, so I took that as a (rough) guideline.

I googled days about taking vitamin C suppl. Some say no, no, no, some say yes, yes, yes. The amount varies about how much to take. Some say 500 mg is safe, some say 1000 is safe, some say up to 2000 is SAFE. Confused (still)! So decided (on that day) no to argue the GP so I left out the extra vitamin C. Now I have a whole squeezed lemon daily, a little with my each glass of water. What I noticed since I stopped the vit. C suppl. is that my skin not so supple and smooth anymore.

Nowadays I have the Prenatal Nutrients and the pregnancy fish oil only. Prebio7 goes with breakfast.

Shh, it's a secret!

We did not tell to family our secret (actually, I want to scream it to the whole WORLD), we want to wait after the 12th week is passed. How surprising it would be not to tell just send the scan-picture to them on post ;-)

No morning sickness, still, not even feeling nauseous. Tender breasts that's all I have at the moment. Not that I desire being sick all day just many books said that it would be a great sign of a well established pregnancy. I have travel sickness on the bus, in the car so cannot really imagine coping with that for weeks. I do not feel fatigue, maybe because I do not have kido around and I am home so I can stay relaxed enough. I do not rush to pee often, although I peed quiet frequently beforehand. No night passed (and passes) without having one pee in the middle (but seldom it was 2, even 3 times, if I drank a whole bottle of water or lot of tea in the afternoons, so annoying, so annoying). I don't have food cravings. I always preferred salty and sour and even now do not have appetite for sweet things.

I found out that I am ONLY 6w3d today, NOT 7w3d as I thought :-((( Well, it make sense, I am in week 07 but 6w3d completed only.

Worries

I worry about miscarriage. I had a terrible nightmare last night. I am not clear about this (and not just this). One says the chances are decrease with each week after week 6, other says not safe until the 14th week is passed. I don't really know what to expect for the first time. Everything scares me. Concerned about everything. I guess most first-moms-to-be the same.

The weight

The GP forgot to measure my weight so I went to the pharmacy. I weighted 51.3 kg (no boots, no jacket). It seems I lost some. Last time when I measured it in the gym (one and a half years ago) I was 53-54 kg.

Stupid

After the flu vaccine on Monday I went home (DH to work), and I started to google about vaccination in pregnancy and I read terrible things on the internet. I was in tears for hours, plus the leaflet says (which the GP handled over after we said good bye, NOT before I got the shot so I could read it) from second trimester (week 14th!!). I felt stupid and angry that evening. Maybe I killed my Baby Bunny! I hope I won't miscarry! What's done is done. I had slight temperature and feeling unwell for 2 days but it passed and I am well now.

I do not have morning sickness (yet) but I do have breast tenderness. It started with my nipples. They became sensitive last week. Now my breasts hurt on both sides especially on mornings getting out of bed.

The confirmation

I was smiling over the week and the weekend, being happy and light. Today I went to the GP for my pregnancy confirmation. Same GP as for the smear test. She asked my LMP, measured my blood pressure (116/60 - systolic/diastolic), listened to my chest. She asked me to pee in a little container but my bladder was empty so I just showed her the two positive tests. I also showed her the supplements I take: Prenatal Nutrients (Solgar), Mum Omega pregnancy (Equazen), vitamin-C 500 mg (Sona) and Prebio7 probiotics. She said that the probiotics are fine, wasn't sure about the Omega-3-6, but definitely said to stop the vitamin-C, immediately! She didn't say why though. She didn't make any statement about the prenatal vitamin formula.

She put my EDD (Estimated Date of Delivery), i.e. my due date on the 11th of October (I calculated the 12th - subtract 3 months and add 7 days to your LMP). She wrote a letter for me to take to the hospital of my choice. Well, it was her choice really. When I asked which one to pick as I have 3 approximately in the same distance from where I live, she chose the University Hospital for Women & Infants. The care is good, she said. When she asked about how would we (DH was there too) proceed if there is any problem with the baby, would we want to terminate the pregnancy in bad outcome, we said yes. So she wrote another letter to take with me to the prenatal diagnosis clinic, for a blood test and Nuchal thickness scan, around week 12.

There was another choice to make, whatever I want to go private, semi-private or public. She said if I choose private, semi-private it will cost me, a lot, but the service basically the same and even in private the bed, the care, the same obstetrician cannot be guaranteed as it operates on a first come first serve. I chose public (going combined care) and Midwifery Led Unit. Midwifery because I want a natural birth as possible. I dare not take a home birth but no needles, no cuts, no drugs, please.

Finally I got a flu jab. First she presented it as a choice, a highly recommended one. I said we will think about it and come back if I want to have it. She said we have 5 minutes to decide! She pushed us hard so we gave in.

Dentist

I went to the dentist for the annual check up. Also early this week one of my tooth got sensitive with a bit of pressure, a bit of pain inside. He did not see that anything is wrong with that tooth but an X-ray is out of question, of course. A cleaning is in need but I decided to wait with it after week 12-14.

Sweet February

My period was due yesterday so I took my chances and used one of the two remaining home pregnancy tests. And it was BFP! Big Fat Positive!! If you had seen DH's (Dear/Darling Husband) glowing face when I walked out from the bathroom with an unmistakable grin!

Later on I used the other one too. And it was BFP again, right away! Ladies, I am pregnant! I AM PREGNANT!!

New hope?

My period is due today and I don't have any symptoms!!

Smear test

Today I went to the GP for a smear test as I haven't done any in the past 6 years. I drew the doctor's attention to that I may be pregnant. She said it is safe to do the test anyway. When she asked for my LMP (last menstrual period) she said that we do not know yet. Yeah, that is why I am saying it. I can be 10 days pregnant!

To get a girl or a boy

How is gender determined is a mystery. The life finds its balance. There are countless old wife tales on how, when and where to do the making. Well, I do not believe that making love in boots (the male wearing it) will produce a boy, but I do believe that nutrition can bring the scales closer to what a heart desire.

To those who want nature in their favour here are some tips, but results can't be garanteed however. Please report back with your experiments, I am curious to know how it works out for ya ;-)

X (female) sperm prefer more acidic conditions (pH of the vaginal environment), so eat calcium- and magnesium-rich foods like dairy, nuts, pulses, chocolate, spinach, while Y (male) sperm fare better in alkaline conditions, so you need more sodium and potassium like salty meat products, banana, rice and pasta (says Rana Conway).

To get a boy:
- shows a link between higher energy intake around the time of conception and the birth of sons;
- eating high-calorie foods and consuming a lot of calories in general;
- high levels of glucose encourage the growth of male embryos while inhibiting female embryos;
- strong correlation between women eating breakfast cereals and producing sons (skipping breakfast depress glucose levels);
- eat plenty of salty food, bananas, vegetables, lots of breakfast cereal and lots of food in general;
- a nutrient-poor diet could be less favourable to a male embryo;
- avoid foods like cheese, legumes and yogurt;
- acidic: calcium-and magnesium-rich foods: dairy products, nuts, legumes, chocolate, spinach;
- alkaline: more sodium and potassium, salty meat, bananas, rice and pasta;

To get a girl:
- do the opposite of what is written above;

Busy little bees

Calculating back my last ovulation: we stopped trying 3 days earlier. November: it was 3 days late when we tried. The sperms can live for 3 days, and in a good condition for up to 5. The egg lives around 12 hours only, so the little fellows must be waiting for her in the fallopian tube where the conception takes place. I must admit I previously thought it happens in the womb.

Making a baby can be tiring. For five days in a row, for 1-3 times a day especially is. My calculated ovulation is well in the middle. Three days before and 3 days after, we couldn't miss it this time. I couldn't feel much down there by the end!

Staying in bed, legs up for half an hour could do the trick. I want a boy for the fist one to be so I avoid dairy (calcium-rich food), I ate lots of bananas and lemon (freshly squeezed, diluted in water) for a week for alkaline conditions. Pregnacare Conception does not contain calcium.

Maybe this time, this time...

About giving more time... Well, I couldn't. Yesterday I ended up buying two more tests (First Response and Accurate this time). Who could wait?!

As the first pee of the morning is the most concentrated it has more chance to detect the early level of hCG, so I was sure this is the key. This time instead of peeing on a stick I used the dipping method (collected the urine in a clean, dry cup then immersed the entire absorbent tip in it for the prescribed time). Always read the leaflet! I peed and I dipped, then I placed the test on a flat surface with the result window facing up and went to have breakfast.

After waiting the prescribed time we both rushed back to the bathroom to read the result. Well, dipping in the first pee still brought a negative. Disappointing. Maybe the level of the hormone is still too low to detect, I calmed both of us. The breakfast went on in silence. Husband went back for a few times to double-check it, again and again. It seemed he was more disappointed then I was. It was heart-breaking to see him like that. He went to work with no smile on his face. It was sad to see. A dream was broken in his eyes.

Around 10 in the morning I was so tempted to use the other kind of test. It was negative too. Bloody hell! How annoying!

Knock, knock! Who is it? Your period! Just great! Around midday my period started. The hope is dead.

Hope

My period was due today and there was no sign of it! Oh boy, o'boy, I was so excited! In the afternoon I went to the pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test (Clearblue). Two tests were in it. I used the first one right away. It was negative. Then later I used the second one as well. It was negative too. Not to worry, I said. The hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) hormone is still low. Let's give it a few days, shall we.