13 weeks exactly

I'm still waiting, waiting... waiting to miscarry naturally. Brown spotting only, no cramps, no bleeding yet. One day is easier than other. One day I feel acquiescence, another day the helplessness upsets me. It happened for a reason, that's for sure, but it would be nice to know THAT reason just for the peace of mind. Just to know that the baby did not develop beyond implantation, because I cannot get rid of the thought that the flu vaccine made this happen. I wish I would have stayed stronger against the GP's pushing will!

Today I finally took over the kitchen. As my appetite is slowly coming back I cooked at last. In the past quite a few weeks (well, it was 6) I been nauseous all day every day and just couldn't make myself useful around the house. Place was (and still is) like a bomb hit in. The laundry and the dry linen is the main problem, a big mess, all over the place. Only the bedroom looks somewhat civilized. Pull yourself together L.T!

My DH has been so good doing all the cooking and washing up so we did not starve, thanks to him alone. I couldn't think of food in general but at the moment of eating the nausea went away and only came back after I sent down the last bite. Today the kitchen was managed, tomorrow the living room is next.

Doubts

I am 12+5 today. There was a slightly stronger browning yesterday than previous days but it stopped since. No pain, no cramps. Sensitive nipples. Tiny nausea.

There's a lot on my mind these days. Not knowing when, where or how will happen makes the whole thing uncertain and frightening. I am very scared tbo. It is hard waiting for it to happen.

I can't get out of my mind the thought, the question, the idea whether there was ever a baby (cells developed to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself) or the embryo stopped growing at a very early stage and was disintegrated (re-absorbed). Did I kill my little Bunny when I was forced to have the flu jab @ 4w+6d (2+6 after conception, 10 days after implantation)?? I'm afraid this will never come to light. A doctor will not speak against the other.

Do I wait it out for nature to take its course? Will I be able to do so without unexpected complications? I hope my body is capable of passing tissue on its own and there will not be a need for an invasive surgical procedure like the third option, the D&C (namely possible risk of tissue scarring).

We told family today what is the situation and not visiting them until this whole thing is over and I get the green to go on.

Stupid

After the flu vaccine on Monday I went home (DH to work), and I started to google about vaccination in pregnancy and I read terrible things on the internet. I was in tears for hours, plus the leaflet says (which the GP handled over after we said good bye, NOT before I got the shot so I could read it) from second trimester (week 14th!!). I felt stupid and angry that evening. Maybe I killed my Baby Bunny! I hope I won't miscarry! What's done is done. I had slight temperature and feeling unwell for 2 days but it passed and I am well now.

I do not have morning sickness (yet) but I do have breast tenderness. It started with my nipples. They became sensitive last week. Now my breasts hurt on both sides especially on mornings getting out of bed.

The confirmation

I was smiling over the week and the weekend, being happy and light. Today I went to the GP for my pregnancy confirmation. Same GP as for the smear test. She asked my LMP, measured my blood pressure (116/60 - systolic/diastolic), listened to my chest. She asked me to pee in a little container but my bladder was empty so I just showed her the two positive tests. I also showed her the supplements I take: Prenatal Nutrients (Solgar), Mum Omega pregnancy (Equazen), vitamin-C 500 mg (Sona) and Prebio7 probiotics. She said that the probiotics are fine, wasn't sure about the Omega-3-6, but definitely said to stop the vitamin-C, immediately! She didn't say why though. She didn't make any statement about the prenatal vitamin formula.

She put my EDD (Estimated Date of Delivery), i.e. my due date on the 11th of October (I calculated the 12th - subtract 3 months and add 7 days to your LMP). She wrote a letter for me to take to the hospital of my choice. Well, it was her choice really. When I asked which one to pick as I have 3 approximately in the same distance from where I live, she chose the University Hospital for Women & Infants. The care is good, she said. When she asked about how would we (DH was there too) proceed if there is any problem with the baby, would we want to terminate the pregnancy in bad outcome, we said yes. So she wrote another letter to take with me to the prenatal diagnosis clinic, for a blood test and Nuchal thickness scan, around week 12.

There was another choice to make, whatever I want to go private, semi-private or public. She said if I choose private, semi-private it will cost me, a lot, but the service basically the same and even in private the bed, the care, the same obstetrician cannot be guaranteed as it operates on a first come first serve. I chose public (going combined care) and Midwifery Led Unit. Midwifery because I want a natural birth as possible. I dare not take a home birth but no needles, no cuts, no drugs, please.

Finally I got a flu jab. First she presented it as a choice, a highly recommended one. I said we will think about it and come back if I want to have it. She said we have 5 minutes to decide! She pushed us hard so we gave in.