Forty-three

The doctor just called from EPAU about the blood test. The result is 43. It's not as I could make anything out of it (it was my first pregnancy related blood test) but he explained that this is very low and it will soon return to zero...

Blood test

The home pregnancy test came out positive, although the pain and the bleeding were present only on Friday. I called the hospital about the positive test, told the nurse that there was no pain, no blood after Friday. She redirected me to a doctor who said that I need to go in for a blood test, to check my hCG level. So I went in and I let myself drained. The doctor will call me tomorrow with the result.

Folic acid

I started to take folic acid again. Not with vitamins and minerals (not jet) just on it's own (Clonfolic). The leaflet says at least 14 weeks before getting pregnant. Well, I want to wait two periods anyway so there will be enough weeks for it.

Why do I want to wait two periods? Who knows what will be the first like, the second one should be more 'normal'. After a miscarriage easy to get pregnant again but not to wait for after a period will make it hard to establish the pregnancy dates (LMP). With no dates how would the doctor know that the baby's development is adequate?

What is happening?

Through the day I had period like pain the one before it arrives with tightening in the lower abdomen, and on top of that some fresh blood. My period for this month was due yesterday. Can it be already? Ten days after miscarriage?? No, it's too early. The doctor said it will return around 6 weeks. Ovulation can happen as early as 2 weeks. What is the fresh bleeding after days of brown spotting?

I called the hospital about the situation. The nurse said not to worry (just jet) but to do a pregnancy test after 4 days and if it is positive return to the hospital for another scan.

Epilogue of a pregnancy

Very early this morning (looks like mornings are the bugbears) I had sharp pain here and there in my lower abdomen. It was very, very uncomfortable and painful too. Going to the toilet lot of dark blood came out and the pain eased finally. With the morning pee a ball of blood came out, it was a size of a walnut and it had whitish things in it (I would say 1/3 was white).

Booked appointment @ the EPU this morning (I am glad I did not cancel it). Same assistant but a new doctor, female this time. There is nothing wrong seeing different doctors, several eyes see more, but I would wanted the 'old' one for today as he examined me previously (twice), he would knew exactly what to look for. It is not a request program. She was nice and thoroughgoing. Measured everything. Something was 4.6 (or was it 4.8?) and she said that's fine and everything looks perfect. It was reassuring to hear. She checked my ovaries too. The bleeding can continue up to 10-14 days but it will decrease. If a heavy bleeding returns that is a sign of infection. She said with my next pregnancy the chances are for a miscarriage 1 in 5, so not increased because of this one. My period should return in 6 weeks and it will be heavier than usual. I told her about the blood-ball this morning, she said it was pregnancy tissue.

It isn't over just yet. I will relax only when the bleeding stops (end of next week I guess) and my period returns to normal.

What was this pregnancy like? With no previous experience I compared to what's written in the books or on the forums. Compared to those it was normal until the bleeding struck at 10+3. I had nausea, lost appetite, dislike of food in general from 7+1 (maybe this late start was a sign?). I had sensitive nipples, painful breast with a network of blue veins (still have them). Occasional nose bleed, occasional 'pink toothpaste'. Metallic taste in my mouth occasionally. I was more sleepily, I got tired more easily. I had 'baby brain', kept forgetting appointments and planned things. My tummy was bloated at the beginning. The bowel movements were frequent with burps and wind. At the end I had a definite bump, a trouser-tightening. I just do not know where to put the peeling skin (which disappeared from my fingers and toes since, only a few dry areas left on my heels to remind me about it). Was it a sign of a problem (started at 6+6)?? All the doctors and pharmacists I asked said that not to worry about it. What I did not have are cravings, heartburn, constipation and mood swings. I promised to myself that I won't become a pregnant b**ch, a husband’s nightmare, so I will try to control my pregnancy hormones the best I can. Of course I got irritated on few occasions but I think it was really just a few.

The whole miscarriage thing from the first (and only) bleeding to the last contraction, I mean to complete it took 25 days (3 weeks and 3 day). DH was very patient and very anxious for me the whole time. He's sweet. He is my pillar and my best friend.

Was it a good choice to miscarry naturally? Three weeks ago it seemed like the best option. On Monday it seemed like the worst one. Monday on the way to the hospital all I could think of that I understand now why women choose the D&C. It hurt like hell, I thought I won't make it! Today again I think that the natural way is the best option.

My view on hospital care in general is good. They are trying to help, some of them less, some of them more. In general I was satisfied (based on three visits to the ER and also three to the EPAU).

What do I feel? How I feel? First of all I feel relieved, I feel free and I am happy that my body was able to handle the end on its own. It isn't a stupid body after all! Secondly I do not feel (or think) that I lost a baby. There was no baby, it can't be lost. Is it a good thing or a really bad thing to feel this way, I do not know. It was a lesson, the life's lesson for life, and need to move beyond it. Now it is a past.

About the future? It is a tricky question. Why? Because I did everything by the book and didn't get what I wanted. Let's take one by one:

• We do not smoke. I did for a few months when I was in college (bad company around) but that was twelve years ago. Since then just a 'passive smoker' but I avoid as much as I can even to take a sniff of it (holding my breath when passing a chimney person).
• We drink alcohol of course but with very good moderation I would say. Since last August till last week there was non for me and DH only had few beers and few glasses of wine since my pregnancy was confirmed. We were non-alcoholic for five months prior conception.
• We eat a balanced, healthy diet, I think (compared to the large average). Lots of veg and fruit, daily, and most of them are eaten raw. No cola, no sugary or energy drinks, no coffee daily (occasional sips), no fast food, no ready-made food, plus reading all the ingredients on the labels, and buying organic where possible.
• Prior to conception both of us took vitamins and minerals from August (so for five months before even trying for a baby).

What is missing here? Sport activities! Well, I never was a sportswoman. I need to work on this one for sure.

I thought I was doing the best I could. Was it the flu vaccine? Was it the 500 mg vitamin C? Was it the air, was it the water? Million combinations are possible. So see, planning pregnancy by the book doesn't really work (or it just did not work for me). There is no proven recipe. Every woman and every pregnancy is different.

The last chapter

Another fine morning... Early this morning I woke up to cramps or contractions, I wasn't sure. It came less frequently but lasted longer and was stronger than the day before. It was more tense and tightening. I could manage it for a half an hour only, but couldn't bear it any longer, so I made a warm bath again but it did not help this time, did not ease the pain like before. I spent almost two hours in the water. It was literally a blood bath at the end. DH woke up so I asked for tequila again. After that I could relax, I went almost numb, it has eased finally.

After my nice, long (and well deserved) morning sleep we had breakfast (DH stayed at home with me). Around midday another wave of pain struck. Harder and more painful than ever. I decided to take one of the prescribed tablets (Diclac 75 mg - Diclofenac Sodium) instead of my home remedy tequila. I withdrew again into the bathroom for a warm bath. Needless to say, it did not help. The pill seemed useless too but I did not dare to send sips of booze after it so I just suffered. I couldn't find any position to make it tolerable when the pain struck. It came stronger and stronger and lasted for longer and longer. Yesterday the doctor said if I do not feel comfortable at home I can come in. Well, this was way beyond my lack of comfort. It was unbearable so I said to DH that this is it, I cannot bear it any longer and decided to go in.

It looked like a good decision but I almost couldn't get out of the bath when the pain struck. I managed it to the toilet. I had to pee and poo urgently. Then I found a strange thing when I wiped myself. It wasn't just dark blood, it was roughly around 2 cm and had round edges. Could it be the sac, I thought. No, it was the mucus plug!

I managed to put on some clothes then we caught a taxi and were in the hospital by 2mp. There was/were only one or two girls waiting. Shortly a nurse came out, I told her that I am having a miscarriage right now and I am in a lot of pain. She said that there is one person before me so told me to get my chart from the EPAU. Bent in half I managed to toddle to the assistant's room. "Out to lunch" sign. Great! Quarter of an hour we waited, then came the nurse looking for me and told us to go and queue at the check-in window and ask for my chart there because the doctor cannot see me without my chart. Go? Queue?? I could die here, woman!

We went and queued. The girl at the other end of the window went for it right away (I must looked like dying). I had my chart, I had my pain, tears were rolling down my cheeks. And the nurse? She was chatting in the corridor with another nurse. Suddenly I felt something is going down, blood, a lot of blood. I went to the toilet and then a big ball fell out right away. It was so big that if I would put my palms together to form a bowl it would fill it. A big ball of dark red blood. And the pain went away at the same time. I was relieved. I felt myself easy and light weighted. I reached for toilet paper. There was non. I started to laugh. Then realized the situation is far from funny. I heard girls talking so I asked them to hand some toilet paper for me. All other boxes were empty too. I was laughing loud. Eventually someone found someone who could bing some.

The pain wen away, far away. We been waiting for another 5-10 minutes for the nurse then she came, measured my blood pressure, my temperature and something else on my index finger. She asked why I came, what is the problem. Problem? Oh nothing really, I just miscarried, here, on my feet, while chasing my chart. But I did not say the words, I stayed nice. Started to talk about the events that began three weeks ago, then went on with the last night's action, the today's morning and noon battle, and finished with what just happened ten minutes ago. She looked absent-minded while listening and taking notes. I had to repeat a few. Then she asked questions: What was the colour of it exactly? Was there white in it? Do you have it? Dark red. I do not know, it happened so fast that I only glimpsed the rough colour and the rough size of it. No, I do not have it! She said that it seems it is over, it happened, and the doctor will see me shortly there is one person before me.

Quarter past three I was in the ER at last. I couldn't catch the doctor's name or maybe she didn't say. She was bored and disinterested. It was hard to pick up any thread of communication with her. She said she will do an internal scan but did an external eventually. She checked the cervix as well. The cervix closed already and the sac was absent in my uterus. It is over, she said. The thickness of my uterus measured 1.6 or 16. When I asked, she said that's good.

After I got off the examination table I sat down beside her at the table. She looked at me with surprise and said you can go now. I was even more surprised with this statement. Go?? What to expect in the coming days? Do I need another check? I asked. It will ease, she replied. I said I have an appointment with the EPAU on Wednesday, she said I don't need that. I thanked for her time and we left. Yesterday I had the best but today the worst shift (it just wasn't my day). Well, I need and want someone who shows more interest and tells me what next. I will go to that EPAU appointment what I have already.

This is the end of my first pregnancy. It lasted for 13 weeks and 6 days, in other words for 97 days, or for 3 months and 6 days.

Sunday, bloody Sunday

More cramps around 8 am, strong, period-like ones with more thick, dark coloured, viscous blood. The pain went away again after half an hour or so.

We were grocery shopping when around 6 pm severe pain hit me in the lower abdomen. It lasted for about 20 seconds then it eased off but returned every 3 to 5 minutes. I experienced nothing like this before. I felt it coming and getting stronger. When we arrived home the pad was totally soaked. I made a nice warm bath. I asked for some tequila (the only alcohol around the house at the mo.) instead of painkillers. DH decided to rather wait outside. I did not blame him, men have no experience of monthly bleeding, I am sure it freaks them out. The water was so nice with the sips of tequila. Then I thought I would call the hospital and ask is this how it should happen? When I said I am 13+5 today the nurse in the ER said that I should go in for a check. I was sorry to leave my nice bath. The pain eased off only the bleeding remained heavy.

The nurse took all my details from, the very beginning (address, mobile number, date of birth, LMP, and here came the fun part: 5th of January, I said, and the nurse in response to this: 19XX??)

In the ER (after my 'very detailed' explanation of the whole story starting with first ER visit 3 weeks ago, yeah, I talk too much when I am scared, or maybe the tequila made me talkative) a young doctor did a cervix check and an internal scan. She was nice and gentle. The cervix was still closed and the sac was still there but it started to come off she said. She gave a detailed explanation of the missed miscarriage thing (this type is very common) and of the current events (the pain was contraction pain). She said it will happen in the next 2-3 days. There will be pain, there will be blood (sounded like a threat). She prescribed an anti-inflammatory painkiller and said if I cannot manage the pain or the blood at home I can come back anytime. She was explanative and very patient towards all my questions. I think all doctors should be attentive, careful and mindful like Amie/Amy!

By the end of examination all my contractions went away so we had a nice walk home. It felt so good to breathe in the unusual warm air.

Cramps and bleeding

Early this morning (around 4 am) I woke up to tiny cramps, after a while I went to the toilet and thick, dense, wine-red coloured, viscous blood came out. I crawled back to bed, the pain ceased and I could fell back to sleep. There was some dark red coagulated blood passing during the day but without any more cramping. Maybe the stretching with the hovering yesterday launched what I been waiting for?

In the afternoon we went to the 'Pregnancy & Baby Fair'. We talked and walked for two hours, collected a lot of information about products and services.

Time flies

Happened exactly three weeks ago that I had the bleeding, out of the blue. The bright, abundant blood came as a shock. I was shaking when I called the hospital. Until then there was no indication that anything is wrong with my pregnancy. One ER scan and two EPAU scans confirmed that there is no life inside, not a sign of it.

Choosing the natural way with this missed miscarriage (anembryonic pregnancy), with brown spotting on and off the waiting is just tiring. It gives me time to think, a lot. Probably I shouldn't brood too much over this, it cannot be undone. It hurts of course and hard to let it go but no use crying over spilt milk, right? Am I giving up too easily? Three weeks makes you acceptive and acquiescent. I am 13+3 today.

Today I finally managed to clean and organise the living room. The place is now in order, looks like a proper one, like it should be. Nice and tidy. Poor DH tolerated the chaos without a word. I felt ashamed of myself but I just could not bring myself to keep it in order. Won't happen again! Should not happen again!

13 weeks exactly

I'm still waiting, waiting... waiting to miscarry naturally. Brown spotting only, no cramps, no bleeding yet. One day is easier than other. One day I feel acquiescence, another day the helplessness upsets me. It happened for a reason, that's for sure, but it would be nice to know THAT reason just for the peace of mind. Just to know that the baby did not develop beyond implantation, because I cannot get rid of the thought that the flu vaccine made this happen. I wish I would have stayed stronger against the GP's pushing will!

Today I finally took over the kitchen. As my appetite is slowly coming back I cooked at last. In the past quite a few weeks (well, it was 6) I been nauseous all day every day and just couldn't make myself useful around the house. Place was (and still is) like a bomb hit in. The laundry and the dry linen is the main problem, a big mess, all over the place. Only the bedroom looks somewhat civilized. Pull yourself together L.T!

My DH has been so good doing all the cooking and washing up so we did not starve, thanks to him alone. I couldn't think of food in general but at the moment of eating the nausea went away and only came back after I sent down the last bite. Today the kitchen was managed, tomorrow the living room is next.

Doubts

I am 12+5 today. There was a slightly stronger browning yesterday than previous days but it stopped since. No pain, no cramps. Sensitive nipples. Tiny nausea.

There's a lot on my mind these days. Not knowing when, where or how will happen makes the whole thing uncertain and frightening. I am very scared tbo. It is hard waiting for it to happen.

I can't get out of my mind the thought, the question, the idea whether there was ever a baby (cells developed to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself) or the embryo stopped growing at a very early stage and was disintegrated (re-absorbed). Did I kill my little Bunny when I was forced to have the flu jab @ 4w+6d (2+6 after conception, 10 days after implantation)?? I'm afraid this will never come to light. A doctor will not speak against the other.

Do I wait it out for nature to take its course? Will I be able to do so without unexpected complications? I hope my body is capable of passing tissue on its own and there will not be a need for an invasive surgical procedure like the third option, the D&C (namely possible risk of tissue scarring).

We told family today what is the situation and not visiting them until this whole thing is over and I get the green to go on.

I put on some weight

I went to the pharmacy again to measure my weight out of curiosity. Same scale as seven weeks ago. No shoes, no jacket - 53.03 kg. Looks like I put on almost 2 kg!! Now that is an interesting outcome.

12 weeks in a nutshell

05 Jan - LMP
17/18 Jan - ovulation (?)
27 Jan - smear test
31 Jan - period due
01 Fed - two positive home pregnancy tests
07 Feb - GP confirmation (EDD: 11.10.2011), Flu Vaccine;
12 Feb - 51.3 kg (no boots, no jacket)
21 Feb - skin start to get loose on both thumbs
23 Feb - appetite loss, queasiness, nausea starts;
07 Mar - GP (loose skin, peeling fingertips on all of them), Emollient cream & wash;
13 Mar - toes start to peel
17 Mar - loose skin on both heels (where they touch the floor);
18 Mar - 1 am fresh blood, 8 am ER scan, empty sac;
21 Mar - EPAU scan, empty sac;
24 Mar - pm brown discharge
25 Mar - from 2 am to 4 am period like cramping
27 Mar - 54.7 kg (but with shoes and jacket on)
25/30 Mar - dark brown discharge (my period would due now for this month);
31 Mar - EPAU second scan, empty sac, anembryonic pregnancy;
01 Apr - waiting to miscarry naturally

Cramps

There was cramping during the night or rather dawn, very early morning. It was mild but strong enough (and long enough) to keep me awake. I thought this is it but then it was nothing in the morning, not a drop, even the wipe was clean.