Epilogue of a pregnancy

Very early this morning (looks like mornings are the bugbears) I had sharp pain here and there in my lower abdomen. It was very, very uncomfortable and painful too. Going to the toilet lot of dark blood came out and the pain eased finally. With the morning pee a ball of blood came out, it was a size of a walnut and it had whitish things in it (I would say 1/3 was white).

Booked appointment @ the EPU this morning (I am glad I did not cancel it). Same assistant but a new doctor, female this time. There is nothing wrong seeing different doctors, several eyes see more, but I would wanted the 'old' one for today as he examined me previously (twice), he would knew exactly what to look for. It is not a request program. She was nice and thoroughgoing. Measured everything. Something was 4.6 (or was it 4.8?) and she said that's fine and everything looks perfect. It was reassuring to hear. She checked my ovaries too. The bleeding can continue up to 10-14 days but it will decrease. If a heavy bleeding returns that is a sign of infection. She said with my next pregnancy the chances are for a miscarriage 1 in 5, so not increased because of this one. My period should return in 6 weeks and it will be heavier than usual. I told her about the blood-ball this morning, she said it was pregnancy tissue.

It isn't over just yet. I will relax only when the bleeding stops (end of next week I guess) and my period returns to normal.

What was this pregnancy like? With no previous experience I compared to what's written in the books or on the forums. Compared to those it was normal until the bleeding struck at 10+3. I had nausea, lost appetite, dislike of food in general from 7+1 (maybe this late start was a sign?). I had sensitive nipples, painful breast with a network of blue veins (still have them). Occasional nose bleed, occasional 'pink toothpaste'. Metallic taste in my mouth occasionally. I was more sleepily, I got tired more easily. I had 'baby brain', kept forgetting appointments and planned things. My tummy was bloated at the beginning. The bowel movements were frequent with burps and wind. At the end I had a definite bump, a trouser-tightening. I just do not know where to put the peeling skin (which disappeared from my fingers and toes since, only a few dry areas left on my heels to remind me about it). Was it a sign of a problem (started at 6+6)?? All the doctors and pharmacists I asked said that not to worry about it. What I did not have are cravings, heartburn, constipation and mood swings. I promised to myself that I won't become a pregnant b**ch, a husband’s nightmare, so I will try to control my pregnancy hormones the best I can. Of course I got irritated on few occasions but I think it was really just a few.

The whole miscarriage thing from the first (and only) bleeding to the last contraction, I mean to complete it took 25 days (3 weeks and 3 day). DH was very patient and very anxious for me the whole time. He's sweet. He is my pillar and my best friend.

Was it a good choice to miscarry naturally? Three weeks ago it seemed like the best option. On Monday it seemed like the worst one. Monday on the way to the hospital all I could think of that I understand now why women choose the D&C. It hurt like hell, I thought I won't make it! Today again I think that the natural way is the best option.

My view on hospital care in general is good. They are trying to help, some of them less, some of them more. In general I was satisfied (based on three visits to the ER and also three to the EPAU).

What do I feel? How I feel? First of all I feel relieved, I feel free and I am happy that my body was able to handle the end on its own. It isn't a stupid body after all! Secondly I do not feel (or think) that I lost a baby. There was no baby, it can't be lost. Is it a good thing or a really bad thing to feel this way, I do not know. It was a lesson, the life's lesson for life, and need to move beyond it. Now it is a past.

About the future? It is a tricky question. Why? Because I did everything by the book and didn't get what I wanted. Let's take one by one:

• We do not smoke. I did for a few months when I was in college (bad company around) but that was twelve years ago. Since then just a 'passive smoker' but I avoid as much as I can even to take a sniff of it (holding my breath when passing a chimney person).
• We drink alcohol of course but with very good moderation I would say. Since last August till last week there was non for me and DH only had few beers and few glasses of wine since my pregnancy was confirmed. We were non-alcoholic for five months prior conception.
• We eat a balanced, healthy diet, I think (compared to the large average). Lots of veg and fruit, daily, and most of them are eaten raw. No cola, no sugary or energy drinks, no coffee daily (occasional sips), no fast food, no ready-made food, plus reading all the ingredients on the labels, and buying organic where possible.
• Prior to conception both of us took vitamins and minerals from August (so for five months before even trying for a baby).

What is missing here? Sport activities! Well, I never was a sportswoman. I need to work on this one for sure.

I thought I was doing the best I could. Was it the flu vaccine? Was it the 500 mg vitamin C? Was it the air, was it the water? Million combinations are possible. So see, planning pregnancy by the book doesn't really work (or it just did not work for me). There is no proven recipe. Every woman and every pregnancy is different.

The last chapter

Another fine morning... Early this morning I woke up to cramps or contractions, I wasn't sure. It came less frequently but lasted longer and was stronger than the day before. It was more tense and tightening. I could manage it for a half an hour only, but couldn't bear it any longer, so I made a warm bath again but it did not help this time, did not ease the pain like before. I spent almost two hours in the water. It was literally a blood bath at the end. DH woke up so I asked for tequila again. After that I could relax, I went almost numb, it has eased finally.

After my nice, long (and well deserved) morning sleep we had breakfast (DH stayed at home with me). Around midday another wave of pain struck. Harder and more painful than ever. I decided to take one of the prescribed tablets (Diclac 75 mg - Diclofenac Sodium) instead of my home remedy tequila. I withdrew again into the bathroom for a warm bath. Needless to say, it did not help. The pill seemed useless too but I did not dare to send sips of booze after it so I just suffered. I couldn't find any position to make it tolerable when the pain struck. It came stronger and stronger and lasted for longer and longer. Yesterday the doctor said if I do not feel comfortable at home I can come in. Well, this was way beyond my lack of comfort. It was unbearable so I said to DH that this is it, I cannot bear it any longer and decided to go in.

It looked like a good decision but I almost couldn't get out of the bath when the pain struck. I managed it to the toilet. I had to pee and poo urgently. Then I found a strange thing when I wiped myself. It wasn't just dark blood, it was roughly around 2 cm and had round edges. Could it be the sac, I thought. No, it was the mucus plug!

I managed to put on some clothes then we caught a taxi and were in the hospital by 2mp. There was/were only one or two girls waiting. Shortly a nurse came out, I told her that I am having a miscarriage right now and I am in a lot of pain. She said that there is one person before me so told me to get my chart from the EPAU. Bent in half I managed to toddle to the assistant's room. "Out to lunch" sign. Great! Quarter of an hour we waited, then came the nurse looking for me and told us to go and queue at the check-in window and ask for my chart there because the doctor cannot see me without my chart. Go? Queue?? I could die here, woman!

We went and queued. The girl at the other end of the window went for it right away (I must looked like dying). I had my chart, I had my pain, tears were rolling down my cheeks. And the nurse? She was chatting in the corridor with another nurse. Suddenly I felt something is going down, blood, a lot of blood. I went to the toilet and then a big ball fell out right away. It was so big that if I would put my palms together to form a bowl it would fill it. A big ball of dark red blood. And the pain went away at the same time. I was relieved. I felt myself easy and light weighted. I reached for toilet paper. There was non. I started to laugh. Then realized the situation is far from funny. I heard girls talking so I asked them to hand some toilet paper for me. All other boxes were empty too. I was laughing loud. Eventually someone found someone who could bing some.

The pain wen away, far away. We been waiting for another 5-10 minutes for the nurse then she came, measured my blood pressure, my temperature and something else on my index finger. She asked why I came, what is the problem. Problem? Oh nothing really, I just miscarried, here, on my feet, while chasing my chart. But I did not say the words, I stayed nice. Started to talk about the events that began three weeks ago, then went on with the last night's action, the today's morning and noon battle, and finished with what just happened ten minutes ago. She looked absent-minded while listening and taking notes. I had to repeat a few. Then she asked questions: What was the colour of it exactly? Was there white in it? Do you have it? Dark red. I do not know, it happened so fast that I only glimpsed the rough colour and the rough size of it. No, I do not have it! She said that it seems it is over, it happened, and the doctor will see me shortly there is one person before me.

Quarter past three I was in the ER at last. I couldn't catch the doctor's name or maybe she didn't say. She was bored and disinterested. It was hard to pick up any thread of communication with her. She said she will do an internal scan but did an external eventually. She checked the cervix as well. The cervix closed already and the sac was absent in my uterus. It is over, she said. The thickness of my uterus measured 1.6 or 16. When I asked, she said that's good.

After I got off the examination table I sat down beside her at the table. She looked at me with surprise and said you can go now. I was even more surprised with this statement. Go?? What to expect in the coming days? Do I need another check? I asked. It will ease, she replied. I said I have an appointment with the EPAU on Wednesday, she said I don't need that. I thanked for her time and we left. Yesterday I had the best but today the worst shift (it just wasn't my day). Well, I need and want someone who shows more interest and tells me what next. I will go to that EPAU appointment what I have already.

This is the end of my first pregnancy. It lasted for 13 weeks and 6 days, in other words for 97 days, or for 3 months and 6 days.

Time flies

Happened exactly three weeks ago that I had the bleeding, out of the blue. The bright, abundant blood came as a shock. I was shaking when I called the hospital. Until then there was no indication that anything is wrong with my pregnancy. One ER scan and two EPAU scans confirmed that there is no life inside, not a sign of it.

Choosing the natural way with this missed miscarriage (anembryonic pregnancy), with brown spotting on and off the waiting is just tiring. It gives me time to think, a lot. Probably I shouldn't brood too much over this, it cannot be undone. It hurts of course and hard to let it go but no use crying over spilt milk, right? Am I giving up too easily? Three weeks makes you acceptive and acquiescent. I am 13+3 today.

Today I finally managed to clean and organise the living room. The place is now in order, looks like a proper one, like it should be. Nice and tidy. Poor DH tolerated the chaos without a word. I felt ashamed of myself but I just could not bring myself to keep it in order. Won't happen again! Should not happen again!

Am I just waiting for the inevitable?

Today was the day. I didn't sleep much. Who could?! I had the second scan (internal) @ the EPAU this morning. The gestational sac was 'still' empty, furthermore it shrank in size. 10 day ago it was over 24 mm (nearly 25), now measuring 22 mm only. The doctor said it should be around 35 mm by now (it grows at a rate of about 1 mm a day). Furthermore the blood next to the sac doubled in size (looked to me). Doctor said my body already started to realize the inevitable (he said the same thing 10 days ago). I am 12+2 today.

The diagnosis is: 'missed miscarriage'. I thought a MMC means when the foetus dies but the body goes on as if the foetus is viable, in other words, the pregnancy ends with the death of the foetus. He said that previously they called it an 'anembryonic pregnancy' but it sounded not nice so now they just call it a missed miscarriage. Sounded not nice? Do you understand this reasoning?

He said this type for miscarriage is common in first pregnancy.

An anembryonic pregnancy is when the baby just does not develop beyond implantation, no yolk sac, no embryo. It is due to a chromosomal abnormality (possibly related to trisomies 16 and 22 ??). It may be more common in older mothers and is usually a problem with the egg rather the sperm. Approximate account for 45 to 55% of all miscarriages. Nothing can be done to prevent.

He said I have 3 options: 1. waiting to miscarry naturally; 2. medication; 3. surgery. I asked which one would he recommend. He said he cannot make any recommendation as the body is mine. Suggestion? No, he can't do that either. How do I choose then, I asked? I have to decide, he said. All of them equally safe. Just great! Surgery is out of the question! I would accept it as a very, very last solution only (10% chance for infection and 40% chance for a scar inside? no, thanks). I said if there is no risk in waiting then I want to wait it out, pass the sac naturally. No drugs, no surgery. I want to avoid the possible side effects and complications from medication and surgery.

He agreed. He wouldn't let me go if he would think it's not safe, would he? He said I have to be prepared as no one knows when or where will happen. Over 60% of women miscarry within the next 2 weeks, over 30% within the next two after that.

I asked what to expect. He said 3 periods at the same time. I wonder how would he know how a period feels like? When I asked about when we can try again he said right away after the first period.

For some reason over the past 10 days I was 'relatively' calm, maybe because I just didn't believe what I saw and heard in the ER and EPAU. I do not believe it even know. Or I just don't want to believe it? I pictured this pregnancy as a perfectly timed, spring is here, summer is coming, nice maternity clothes, baby going to be 3 month by Christmas... The reality is I am 33 in 3 months time.

On the way home something came at me and started to cry hysterically on the street. By the time I arrived home I was reasonable again. I went to the pharmacy, bought 2 packs of Maxi Night pads. The pharmacist was so nice and kind. She recommended these. I have a box of Paracetamol too. I cannot say I am prepared or ready. Actually I am very, very scared. No one seems to know how much blood, and how much pain I should expect.

Does it sound very cruel when I say that if this pregnancy meant to end in miscarriage I am pleased that there is no dead baby inside of me? I would not have the strength to see my dead baby passing through. I just could not take it.

No one knows in our family that I am (or I just was??) expecting. They are expecting us for Easter. We wanted to send them the scan-picture by post first before we arrive. Now we have to tell them that I am waiting to miscarry thus we cannot make it home for Easter.