Am I just waiting for the inevitable?

Today was the day. I didn't sleep much. Who could?! I had the second scan (internal) @ the EPAU this morning. The gestational sac was 'still' empty, furthermore it shrank in size. 10 day ago it was over 24 mm (nearly 25), now measuring 22 mm only. The doctor said it should be around 35 mm by now (it grows at a rate of about 1 mm a day). Furthermore the blood next to the sac doubled in size (looked to me). Doctor said my body already started to realize the inevitable (he said the same thing 10 days ago). I am 12+2 today.

The diagnosis is: 'missed miscarriage'. I thought a MMC means when the foetus dies but the body goes on as if the foetus is viable, in other words, the pregnancy ends with the death of the foetus. He said that previously they called it an 'anembryonic pregnancy' but it sounded not nice so now they just call it a missed miscarriage. Sounded not nice? Do you understand this reasoning?

He said this type for miscarriage is common in first pregnancy.

An anembryonic pregnancy is when the baby just does not develop beyond implantation, no yolk sac, no embryo. It is due to a chromosomal abnormality (possibly related to trisomies 16 and 22 ??). It may be more common in older mothers and is usually a problem with the egg rather the sperm. Approximate account for 45 to 55% of all miscarriages. Nothing can be done to prevent.

He said I have 3 options: 1. waiting to miscarry naturally; 2. medication; 3. surgery. I asked which one would he recommend. He said he cannot make any recommendation as the body is mine. Suggestion? No, he can't do that either. How do I choose then, I asked? I have to decide, he said. All of them equally safe. Just great! Surgery is out of the question! I would accept it as a very, very last solution only (10% chance for infection and 40% chance for a scar inside? no, thanks). I said if there is no risk in waiting then I want to wait it out, pass the sac naturally. No drugs, no surgery. I want to avoid the possible side effects and complications from medication and surgery.

He agreed. He wouldn't let me go if he would think it's not safe, would he? He said I have to be prepared as no one knows when or where will happen. Over 60% of women miscarry within the next 2 weeks, over 30% within the next two after that.

I asked what to expect. He said 3 periods at the same time. I wonder how would he know how a period feels like? When I asked about when we can try again he said right away after the first period.

For some reason over the past 10 days I was 'relatively' calm, maybe because I just didn't believe what I saw and heard in the ER and EPAU. I do not believe it even know. Or I just don't want to believe it? I pictured this pregnancy as a perfectly timed, spring is here, summer is coming, nice maternity clothes, baby going to be 3 month by Christmas... The reality is I am 33 in 3 months time.

On the way home something came at me and started to cry hysterically on the street. By the time I arrived home I was reasonable again. I went to the pharmacy, bought 2 packs of Maxi Night pads. The pharmacist was so nice and kind. She recommended these. I have a box of Paracetamol too. I cannot say I am prepared or ready. Actually I am very, very scared. No one seems to know how much blood, and how much pain I should expect.

Does it sound very cruel when I say that if this pregnancy meant to end in miscarriage I am pleased that there is no dead baby inside of me? I would not have the strength to see my dead baby passing through. I just could not take it.

No one knows in our family that I am (or I just was??) expecting. They are expecting us for Easter. We wanted to send them the scan-picture by post first before we arrive. Now we have to tell them that I am waiting to miscarry thus we cannot make it home for Easter.

The past 9 days

Tomorrow is judgement day (for me). I am 12w+1d today. In the past week I was feeling the same, PREGNANT. Hurtful, blue-veined breasts, nice round bump (sticking out), no appetite at all, nauseous from morning till finally falling asleep. How can I feel so pregnant with an empty sac?!

Over the weekend brown spotting started (I dared not even mention it to DH) here and there but no cramping (it would be my period for this month), I didn't even bother to ring the hospital. Should I be concerned about this browning? I don't know. Tomorrow we will see.

I don't really know anymore what the doctor will find or what I want him to find or not to find. I want my miracle!

I was relatively 'calm' over the last 9 days. Maybe because I just can't believe that the sac is empty. Today is different. My tummy is nervous, inside. What will happen tomorrow?

Just waiting

I guess the doctor thinks or hopes that in these 10 days I will miscarry naturally. I don't know how would be the best, cos my breasts still hurt, no appetite at all, feels like pregnant all the time, just like before the Friday bleeding (which lasted less than 24 hours). I don't know how can be the sac empty and me feeling so pregnant and going this far, I am 11w+2d today, still nauseous all day long.

I do not know what I am more afraid of the pain, the heavy blood (they say will come and when it comes few towels will needed), the scar (40% chance if D&C, plus 10% chance for infection) or the time of waiting to get ready to try again.

What if the scan next Thu will show no life, no growth and my cervix is still fully closed, will they force to open it?!?

I am trying to put fears and bad thoughts out of my mind, and not thinking until next scan, of course I hope for my miracle, as my body telling me that "we" are pregnant but maybe both of us been fooled. How can a body be fooled?

Oh, this day going to be just as bad as Mon and Tue, badly nauseous. Good thing or bad thing, will see next Thu.

The EPU

The bleeding stopped on Friday. There was little browning on Sat and even less (almost none) on Sun. My bump is the same (nice and sticking out), my breasts are still hurt and blue-veined, still queasy, nauseous all day every day. I am feeling the same as in the past few weeks, PREGNANT.

The EPU (or EPAU) internal scan did not bring good news however. I got the 'not looking good' outcome. The sac was empty and measured 7w+1d ONLY (the doctor said I miscalculated but NO, NO my period is regular so I am absolutely sure that I am 11 weeks tomorrow). There was blood beside the sac!! He said I started to miscarry naturally. Already signs for it.

He gave me another 10 days, then he will do another scan (hospital rules) before he can establish the diagnosis. But with the 'not looking good' thing above my head there isn't much hope for any change in a positive way, the way I would want it. It seems I do not deserve Baby Bunny just yet.

Bleeding / ER

I have a situation here. Very early this morning (around 1 am) we where sitting at the table playing a card game when I felt something is passing through, fluid going down. I though this is just some vaginal discharge (it increased slightly in the past few weeks). Then again, and again, and again!! And when I went to the toilet my heart almost stopped. It was fresh, bright blood all over. Out of the blue! No signs, no warning. So I called the hospital immediately. The midwife said that I can come in right away but if I want a proper scan I should come after 8 am as their scan not so correct in the Emergency Room, but at 8 am a doctor will do a better, more precise one. I said OK, I'll go at 8 because what is the point to have a not so reliable scan at 1:30 am and wait for another one till 8 am.

I didn't sleep much as you guess. Woke up a 7 and was in the hospital at 7:30. There was no one in the Emergency Room until 8. Then a midwife took my details, checked my dates (LMP), measured blood pressure, body temperature. I explained my complaint, she took notes. I presented even the supplements I take. She was not so pleased and asked me why I take so many. So many, I asked. I take only prenatal vitamin and pregnancy Omega-3-6. Probiotics are just for good digestion. She said go natural as possible. Lot's of fruit. All I need. That's interesting.

I gave a pee sample and waited for a doctor. She scanned me at 9:30. She saw the sac but there was no foetus or heartbeat! She did an internal scan too, but again just an empty sac, no foetus, no heartbeat. I considered my bleeding heavy as I used up 4 or 5 pads but she said 'not so bad'. She said that my cervix is fully closed (she checked it with a plastic tube but she was so brute I started to cry from pain she gave me, it hurt like hell). Se said (probably for at least 10 times) that this scan is not good and she is not an expert. So she referred me to a doctor (I thought I was seeing a doctor with a good scan) to the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit). The doctor (the 'expert senior' as the assistant called him) saw my papers and said to come back on Monday because no point to scan me again as I been scanned already. Yeah, scanned with a crap!

The new midwife was so nice and kind. She came to us afterwards and said that after the internal scan I will bleed more. She made me even more scared, although she ment to prepare me.

No pain, no cramping, not passing any cloth just bright red blood. No heartbeat, no foetus just an empty sac and a closed cervix. I am 10+3 today.

A guest

A guest arrived and will stay for 5 nights. He doesn't know that I am expecting. In fact no one knows but the two of us and the doctors. Roll on week 12th!

Toes too?

Three of my toes are started to peel. Unbelievable! So it is definitely not from the washing up liquid. Hormones? No one seems to know. Now this part is the most annoying!

Emollient

I went to the GP (different one) today with my peeling skin. She examined it and said dermatitis, then she dug out a book and showed me a picture. It was red blisters on a palm filled with yellowish fluid. Shocking. I said mine looks nothing like it. No redness, no fluid, mine not a blister at all. Skin gets loose then dries out and peel. However, this is it, she said. No, it isn't, just look at it!! She did not bother further, and sent me to the pharmacy for a DiproBase Emollient cream and E45 Emollient Wash Cream to use it at least 5 times a day. Although it is pregnancy related (probably the hormones are likely to playing their weird part) and pregnancy related problems are not to be charged, she charged me for the visit. Nice! At least she did not googled it while I was there like the one last year when I went there with chicken pox. Yeah, chicken pox over thirty years of age ;-)

Exercise

I never was a sportswoman. Especially now, I am too afraid to do any. I'll wait until I am over 12 weeks. Though I am doing pelvic exercise daily and taking the stairs instead of the elevator (4th floor).

8 weeks

Weeks really crawl. Can't wait to get my scan for the peace of mind, for reassurance, so it will seem real. Seeing is believing ;-)

The internet can put ideas into our head and make us stress unnecessarily. Is the baby's growing in the right place? No strong pregnancy symptoms? Incompetent cervix? Twins (double trouble but twice the fun)? I haven't had cramps or bleeding, which is good. I did not really want to plot my weight on a chart or monitor everything I ate each day. Worrying is no good for us both. Every pregnancy is different!

Feeling queasy, nauseous. Can't look at food, can't think of food. No appetite at all. It strikes at all hours of the day, from the moment I open my eyes till I finally fall asleep. It seems go away when I eat but after the last bit jumps back on me. I am sleepy. I have metallic taste in my mouth and excess saliva from time to time. Once the baby is healthy that's the main thing. No food cravings though. Maybe the vitamins do the trick.

Battling with a mountain of laundry. The place looks like a bomb went off!! I wish I had a magic wand to wave around.

I am 8 weeks today! 8 completed weeks!!