Hospital visit

38+6 today and another scheduled hospital visit this morning. After queuing up 45 minutes to get my chart the midwife/nurse check-up came immediately. Urine is clean, no sugar, no protein (surprisingly, the sample was somewhat cloudy this morning). Blood pressure is okay (120/76). Weight: 68.5 kg (gained around 16 kg from the start but all you can see it is my bump and a bit of water with swollen feet).

Another 45-50 minutes at the doctor's door. What I like about these 'waiting outside'-s that there is no chit-chat among 'mum-to-be'-s asking about this and that. Everyone is quietly reading something in a book or in a magazine or on a mobile phone.

BabyBunny looked happy on the mini scan, and in all probability that she is happy there because no sign of wanting to come out and meet us. My (Dating Scan) EDD is tomorrow!! The doctor said that they will see me next week and if there is still no happening I will be scheduled for an induction on the following Monday (which is the 25th). Oh, boy, I do hope that Bunny don't want to wait that long. The 19th would be nice. It is my father's birthday. Bunny would be a lovely birthday present for him. I know he would not love anything better.

I asked the doctor about the vaginal swab taken two weeks ago. The result shows 'Light growth of Candida sp.' She said this is very common and asked me if I am using the Canesten (Clotrimazole Anti-Fungal) cream as she told me to. Well, she told me on Wed and I got it on Fri and used it only on Sat once but(!) I stopped using panty-liners around the clock the day I come home from her visit and the itching and whitening is gone since. No need to use then, she said. BTW, on the swab result there was a hand written note: Pt. called no answer. Well, there was no call for sure!

I handed over my updated Birth Plan so my chart is up-to-date.

Hospital tour

Later this afternoon we took a little tour in the hospital just to get around familiar for the big day. With a guidance of a midwife we have visited the Admissions Office and the Assessment Unit (already familiar parts of the hospital), a Single Room in the Private Ward for private patients (I wasn't impressed), a Delivery Suite (it was nice, bright, spacious, well equipped) and the former Nursery, now Clinical Nursery where she brought in a six-hour-old. Dressed in pink velour onesie, the baby was tiny (although 3.3 kg), so cute and adorable. Can't wait to have mine!!

Prof. R.'s Clinic / Surgeon visit

With my gallbladder '?polyp' I finally got an appointment with the relevant hospital. The surgeon/doctor was very helpful and informative with good explanations. I felt myself in good hands. He suggested to wait 3 to 4 months after delivery, then an ultrasound scan will be performed to check and confirm if it is a stone or a polyp. In case of a stone if I am asymptomatic the stone will stay. In case of a polyp it will be evaluated and an operation will be performed to remove the gallbladder if necessary. The nurse took blood and I made a new appointment for September.

Hospital visit

36+6 today (37+6 according to Dating Scan). Another scheduled hospital visit this morning. The waiting wasn't so bad. Urine is clean, no sugar, no protein. Blood pressure is 'perfect' (118/75). Weight: 66.4 kg. BabyBunny is happy, growing well. Amniotic fluid is nice, plenty.

While I was waiting outside the doctor's door BabyBunny started to dance and my bump burst out like a billowy playground.

Symptoms/questions and comments/answers on this week's visit:

S: discharge still yellow(ish)
C: it's hormonal;

Q: Group B strep. test (GBC vaginal swab)?
A: not routinely done;

S: itchy labia majora (the top of the vulva), the skin is whitened out
C: yeast infection/thrush, very common;
the doctor took a swab and it will be checked under the microscope, meanwhile she told me to get a canestan cream in the pharmacy but use it only for a week;

S: hiccups - they are still frequent (noon, around 4pm, 8:35pm, 11pm, 1:3am just the last 12 hours for example), lasting from 15 to 20 minutes, but not so rhythmic anymore, there are 30 to 45 second gaps sin them sometimes; Q: what is normal in frequency and length?
C/A: there are no set parameters, do not worry about hiccups, we only worry if the baby is not moving;

S: baby movements - trembling/shivering-like movements once or twice a day for 3-4 seconds;
C: it's normal;

S: numb spot on tummy;
C: it's the stretching, normal;

Q: flowmetry (to measure microcirculatory blood flow in tissues - cord, placenta, oxygen, nutrition)?

Q: can I leak amniotic fluid while the mucus plug still there?
A: yes, if the fluid just dripping the mucus plug can stay there but there is a flow the plug will be loosen;

Q: raspberry leaf tea to tone the uterus?
A: no clinically proven results, but it won't do any harm;

Q: what is given and what is done (routinely) after a baby is born?
A: cutting the cod, putting the baby to skin-to-skin contact, some checking;

S: brown skin-growths on upper body mostly;
C: to be checked by a dermatologist after delivery;

I informed her that we gave it a try to perineal massage but it did not work for me eventually. I did not feel any burning sensation (DH was very gentle and careful). She said that there is no proven evidence that it can help avoid an episiotomy. In theory, yes.

Consultant Visit

17+6 today (18+6 Dating Scan wise) and I have met my doctor in the hospital. He is the 'leader' of the Team I am assigned to.

The blood tests at my first antenatal visit are all negative:
• full blood count / haemoglobin level (to detect anaemia)
• blood group (which blood group and rhesus factor)
• Syphilis
• Varicella / Chickenpox (> 100 mIU/ml)
• HIV antibody
• Rubella / German measles (> 10 IU/ml)
• Hepatitis screening

The Dating Scan (Transabdominal US with GE Voluson 730) by the sonographer says:
• presentation: cephalic
• amniotic fluid: noral
• placenta: grannum grade 0, structure: normal

And interestingly the doctor put my dates to 18+3! It is hard to follow now how many weeks and days exactly I am at the moment. GP said one thing, hospital midwife calculated a day less, Dating Scan measured a week more, doctor came up with a fourth one ;-))) This is why I will stick to my LMP count...

The doctor performed a mini scan at the end of my visit. It was nice to see BabyBunny again!

Antenatal Introductory Class

16+6 today and I attended on an Introductory Class in the hospital for information on the early stages of pregnancy...

The first part was about the importance of an infant car seat and how to choose (not all car seats fit to all car!) and install properly. It was good to know though I think it is nothing to do with pregnancy but with child safety and that is somewhat further away.

The second part was much more relevant. The dietitian from the hospital's Nutrition & Dietetics Department took the floor. She spoke (briefly, not so deep) about the importance of a proper diet and nutrition during pregnancy, about dietary needs during this time.

The third person was a midwife from the Parent Education Department who gave us information about further classes available regarding pregnancy, birth and caring for a new baby. Certainly it is a good idea to attend antenatal classes to inform ourselves of all available choices and prepare for labour, birth and for the new role as parents, so I booked evening classes once a week over a period of five weeks, starting in end of March.

First Appointment and Dating Scan

13+0 today and I had my First Appointment at the chosen hospital (it is in 20-25 minutes walking distance).

First I was seen by a midwife where we sat in a little room with a computer and she was asking questions and taking notes about medical conditions, family history. DH wasn't allowed to come in (he was sent out and told to wait outside) as it is a private and highly confidential conversation, the midwife said. Well, what could be more confidential than a husband and a wife having a baby?!? Together. Two makes a baby not one.

From my LMP the midwife calculated my (new) EDD: 22.06.2012. She said my GP made a mistake and I am 12+6 today not 13+0.

Then I was sent to have blood test done. My weight is 52.5 kg (as many scales, as many different measuring), MBI 19.8, blood pressure: 120/80.

Finally the Dating Scan. The scan put me on 14+0 and gave me a new EDD: 14.06.2012. BabyBunny is a week (or 8 days in that matter) ahead. The sonographer said that I miscalculated my ovulation and I conceived much earlier than I thought. Well, I maybe miscalculated my ovulation but with the scheduled (and recorded) Baby Dance I know exactly that it is not possible to conceive a week earlier. Simple reason no sperm, no conception.

So what to do now? Jump a week ahead and skip a week or stay with my LMP dates? I think I will stick to my LMP schedule and count as I am 13+0 today.

Nuchal Translucency Screening

12+5 today and we had the scheduled Nuchal Translucency Scan and Blood Test at the (different) hospital. We heard that Prof. M. is the expert in this area. Arriving, filling up some paperwork, and a bit of waiting before the scan...

We haven't been seen by Prof. M. but by some other doctor. She was yung(ish enough). While performing the scan she was dead silent and from time to time she shook her head and frown which made me very uneasy. When I asked her why she's not commenting what she is seeing, It is not customary - she replied briefly. Well, this made me even more uncomfortable. The scanning took too long to my perception. Silent and long. It was around half and hour or forty minutes and she left the room without saying anything.

Next came the blood test and weight measurement (51.8 kg).

Results will be sent to my address within 2 days. Hoping for the best!

ER

9+3 today. I woke up with no pregnancy symptoms, no nausea, no tender breasts, no sore nipples! On top of this I felt sharp pain on the right side aroud my hip, and sore lower back. I panicked so I called the hospital. The nurse said that because there is pain I best to come in for a scan.

After a quick shower and an ever quicker breakfast we went in (15-20 minutes walk, and I felt for taking a walk). It was noon when we arrived. There were only 3 couple waiting. Urine sample, chat with the nurse, blood pressure and temperature measuring, some data entry and we found ourselves waiting for the doctor to perform the ultrasound scan.

Then she came but shortly she was beeped away and she stayed away for long. I was just sitting there, I felt fine (apart from the waves of pain on my side) and terrified that my symptoms are gone. We took a long walk yesterday, we ate in a restaurant and the evening was pleasant for me, I wasn't so nauseous.

We were waiting, waiting, more people came, and the crowd got bigger. Most of us were patient but some of us were not. Then the doctor came back and she called me in.

I jumped right on the bed beside the ultrasound device and the next second the cold jelly was on my belly. I couldn't take my eyes of the monitor and I caught a glimpse of BabyBunny. He was there. It wasn't empty like last time. He was lying on his back. The doctor pressed the head of the device so hard that I had to tell her she is hurting. Then she pointed to the monitor and said there is the heartbeat, can you see? Tears filled in my eyes. Bunny's there, Bunny is alive! Strong heartbeat, she said. The pressing woke him up, he started to move and I was weeping. I wish I had looked at DH face to see his reaction but I just could not take my eyes off the screen. She measured 10w1d but she said the dating scan will be more precise. Good news, Bunny is not smaller.

She gave us a picture, Bunny's first picture! We waited four and a half hours but it's worth every minute. It's real! It is not just guessing anymore. We are officially parents-to-be. DH was smiling for all the rest of the evening.

"If you can see the baby's heart beating on the sonogram after 7 weeks, your chances of continuing with the pregnancy are greater than 97 percent."

GP for confirmation

We went to the GP this morning. No, not to the previous one, I have chosen a new one, a younger, a more sympathetic one. She could be around my age.

She wanted to sign me to a different hospital because all her patients go there but I said the old one from my January pregnancy will do. They know my history. I hope for an earlier scan around week 8.

I showed the supplements what I took in pre-conception (Pregnacare and MorDHA) and what I am taking now (Prenatal Nutrients from Solgar and MumOmega). No vitamin C or Prebio7 this time, I was afraid to take. She said no extra vitamin C but she gave a green light to the probiotics.

I also asked about herbal teas. She said that camomile and peppermint are OK. When I asked about exercise she said no need for it. I was surprised as all I hear how positive to exercise during pregnancy for mummy and baby alike.

I peed in a container. She checked it but did not say a thing about it so I presume all is good. I am officially pregnant!

Today's measures were weight: 54.5 kg, blood pressure: 134/80 (systolic/diastolic). She did not measure my BMI. My new EDD: 21/06/2012. 21st of June just days away from my BD ;-))

What are the symptoms? Some breast pain and since yesterday morning lost appetite and all day lasting mild nausea.

Blood test

The home pregnancy test came out positive, although the pain and the bleeding were present only on Friday. I called the hospital about the positive test, told the nurse that there was no pain, no blood after Friday. She redirected me to a doctor who said that I need to go in for a blood test, to check my hCG level. So I went in and I let myself drained. The doctor will call me tomorrow with the result.

Epilogue of a pregnancy

Very early this morning (looks like mornings are the bugbears) I had sharp pain here and there in my lower abdomen. It was very, very uncomfortable and painful too. Going to the toilet lot of dark blood came out and the pain eased finally. With the morning pee a ball of blood came out, it was a size of a walnut and it had whitish things in it (I would say 1/3 was white).

Booked appointment @ the EPU this morning (I am glad I did not cancel it). Same assistant but a new doctor, female this time. There is nothing wrong seeing different doctors, several eyes see more, but I would wanted the 'old' one for today as he examined me previously (twice), he would knew exactly what to look for. It is not a request program. She was nice and thoroughgoing. Measured everything. Something was 4.6 (or was it 4.8?) and she said that's fine and everything looks perfect. It was reassuring to hear. She checked my ovaries too. The bleeding can continue up to 10-14 days but it will decrease. If a heavy bleeding returns that is a sign of infection. She said with my next pregnancy the chances are for a miscarriage 1 in 5, so not increased because of this one. My period should return in 6 weeks and it will be heavier than usual. I told her about the blood-ball this morning, she said it was pregnancy tissue.

It isn't over just yet. I will relax only when the bleeding stops (end of next week I guess) and my period returns to normal.

What was this pregnancy like? With no previous experience I compared to what's written in the books or on the forums. Compared to those it was normal until the bleeding struck at 10+3. I had nausea, lost appetite, dislike of food in general from 7+1 (maybe this late start was a sign?). I had sensitive nipples, painful breast with a network of blue veins (still have them). Occasional nose bleed, occasional 'pink toothpaste'. Metallic taste in my mouth occasionally. I was more sleepily, I got tired more easily. I had 'baby brain', kept forgetting appointments and planned things. My tummy was bloated at the beginning. The bowel movements were frequent with burps and wind. At the end I had a definite bump, a trouser-tightening. I just do not know where to put the peeling skin (which disappeared from my fingers and toes since, only a few dry areas left on my heels to remind me about it). Was it a sign of a problem (started at 6+6)?? All the doctors and pharmacists I asked said that not to worry about it. What I did not have are cravings, heartburn, constipation and mood swings. I promised to myself that I won't become a pregnant b**ch, a husband’s nightmare, so I will try to control my pregnancy hormones the best I can. Of course I got irritated on few occasions but I think it was really just a few.

The whole miscarriage thing from the first (and only) bleeding to the last contraction, I mean to complete it took 25 days (3 weeks and 3 day). DH was very patient and very anxious for me the whole time. He's sweet. He is my pillar and my best friend.

Was it a good choice to miscarry naturally? Three weeks ago it seemed like the best option. On Monday it seemed like the worst one. Monday on the way to the hospital all I could think of that I understand now why women choose the D&C. It hurt like hell, I thought I won't make it! Today again I think that the natural way is the best option.

My view on hospital care in general is good. They are trying to help, some of them less, some of them more. In general I was satisfied (based on three visits to the ER and also three to the EPAU).

What do I feel? How I feel? First of all I feel relieved, I feel free and I am happy that my body was able to handle the end on its own. It isn't a stupid body after all! Secondly I do not feel (or think) that I lost a baby. There was no baby, it can't be lost. Is it a good thing or a really bad thing to feel this way, I do not know. It was a lesson, the life's lesson for life, and need to move beyond it. Now it is a past.

About the future? It is a tricky question. Why? Because I did everything by the book and didn't get what I wanted. Let's take one by one:

• We do not smoke. I did for a few months when I was in college (bad company around) but that was twelve years ago. Since then just a 'passive smoker' but I avoid as much as I can even to take a sniff of it (holding my breath when passing a chimney person).
• We drink alcohol of course but with very good moderation I would say. Since last August till last week there was non for me and DH only had few beers and few glasses of wine since my pregnancy was confirmed. We were non-alcoholic for five months prior conception.
• We eat a balanced, healthy diet, I think (compared to the large average). Lots of veg and fruit, daily, and most of them are eaten raw. No cola, no sugary or energy drinks, no coffee daily (occasional sips), no fast food, no ready-made food, plus reading all the ingredients on the labels, and buying organic where possible.
• Prior to conception both of us took vitamins and minerals from August (so for five months before even trying for a baby).

What is missing here? Sport activities! Well, I never was a sportswoman. I need to work on this one for sure.

I thought I was doing the best I could. Was it the flu vaccine? Was it the 500 mg vitamin C? Was it the air, was it the water? Million combinations are possible. So see, planning pregnancy by the book doesn't really work (or it just did not work for me). There is no proven recipe. Every woman and every pregnancy is different.

The last chapter

Another fine morning... Early this morning I woke up to cramps or contractions, I wasn't sure. It came less frequently but lasted longer and was stronger than the day before. It was more tense and tightening. I could manage it for a half an hour only, but couldn't bear it any longer, so I made a warm bath again but it did not help this time, did not ease the pain like before. I spent almost two hours in the water. It was literally a blood bath at the end. DH woke up so I asked for tequila again. After that I could relax, I went almost numb, it has eased finally.

After my nice, long (and well deserved) morning sleep we had breakfast (DH stayed at home with me). Around midday another wave of pain struck. Harder and more painful than ever. I decided to take one of the prescribed tablets (Diclac 75 mg - Diclofenac Sodium) instead of my home remedy tequila. I withdrew again into the bathroom for a warm bath. Needless to say, it did not help. The pill seemed useless too but I did not dare to send sips of booze after it so I just suffered. I couldn't find any position to make it tolerable when the pain struck. It came stronger and stronger and lasted for longer and longer. Yesterday the doctor said if I do not feel comfortable at home I can come in. Well, this was way beyond my lack of comfort. It was unbearable so I said to DH that this is it, I cannot bear it any longer and decided to go in.

It looked like a good decision but I almost couldn't get out of the bath when the pain struck. I managed it to the toilet. I had to pee and poo urgently. Then I found a strange thing when I wiped myself. It wasn't just dark blood, it was roughly around 2 cm and had round edges. Could it be the sac, I thought. No, it was the mucus plug!

I managed to put on some clothes then we caught a taxi and were in the hospital by 2mp. There was/were only one or two girls waiting. Shortly a nurse came out, I told her that I am having a miscarriage right now and I am in a lot of pain. She said that there is one person before me so told me to get my chart from the EPAU. Bent in half I managed to toddle to the assistant's room. "Out to lunch" sign. Great! Quarter of an hour we waited, then came the nurse looking for me and told us to go and queue at the check-in window and ask for my chart there because the doctor cannot see me without my chart. Go? Queue?? I could die here, woman!

We went and queued. The girl at the other end of the window went for it right away (I must looked like dying). I had my chart, I had my pain, tears were rolling down my cheeks. And the nurse? She was chatting in the corridor with another nurse. Suddenly I felt something is going down, blood, a lot of blood. I went to the toilet and then a big ball fell out right away. It was so big that if I would put my palms together to form a bowl it would fill it. A big ball of dark red blood. And the pain went away at the same time. I was relieved. I felt myself easy and light weighted. I reached for toilet paper. There was non. I started to laugh. Then realized the situation is far from funny. I heard girls talking so I asked them to hand some toilet paper for me. All other boxes were empty too. I was laughing loud. Eventually someone found someone who could bing some.

The pain wen away, far away. We been waiting for another 5-10 minutes for the nurse then she came, measured my blood pressure, my temperature and something else on my index finger. She asked why I came, what is the problem. Problem? Oh nothing really, I just miscarried, here, on my feet, while chasing my chart. But I did not say the words, I stayed nice. Started to talk about the events that began three weeks ago, then went on with the last night's action, the today's morning and noon battle, and finished with what just happened ten minutes ago. She looked absent-minded while listening and taking notes. I had to repeat a few. Then she asked questions: What was the colour of it exactly? Was there white in it? Do you have it? Dark red. I do not know, it happened so fast that I only glimpsed the rough colour and the rough size of it. No, I do not have it! She said that it seems it is over, it happened, and the doctor will see me shortly there is one person before me.

Quarter past three I was in the ER at last. I couldn't catch the doctor's name or maybe she didn't say. She was bored and disinterested. It was hard to pick up any thread of communication with her. She said she will do an internal scan but did an external eventually. She checked the cervix as well. The cervix closed already and the sac was absent in my uterus. It is over, she said. The thickness of my uterus measured 1.6 or 16. When I asked, she said that's good.

After I got off the examination table I sat down beside her at the table. She looked at me with surprise and said you can go now. I was even more surprised with this statement. Go?? What to expect in the coming days? Do I need another check? I asked. It will ease, she replied. I said I have an appointment with the EPAU on Wednesday, she said I don't need that. I thanked for her time and we left. Yesterday I had the best but today the worst shift (it just wasn't my day). Well, I need and want someone who shows more interest and tells me what next. I will go to that EPAU appointment what I have already.

This is the end of my first pregnancy. It lasted for 13 weeks and 6 days, in other words for 97 days, or for 3 months and 6 days.

Sunday, bloody Sunday

More cramps around 8 am, strong, period-like ones with more thick, dark coloured, viscous blood. The pain went away again after half an hour or so.

We were grocery shopping when around 6 pm severe pain hit me in the lower abdomen. It lasted for about 20 seconds then it eased off but returned every 3 to 5 minutes. I experienced nothing like this before. I felt it coming and getting stronger. When we arrived home the pad was totally soaked. I made a nice warm bath. I asked for some tequila (the only alcohol around the house at the mo.) instead of painkillers. DH decided to rather wait outside. I did not blame him, men have no experience of monthly bleeding, I am sure it freaks them out. The water was so nice with the sips of tequila. Then I thought I would call the hospital and ask is this how it should happen? When I said I am 13+5 today the nurse in the ER said that I should go in for a check. I was sorry to leave my nice bath. The pain eased off only the bleeding remained heavy.

The nurse took all my details from, the very beginning (address, mobile number, date of birth, LMP, and here came the fun part: 5th of January, I said, and the nurse in response to this: 19XX??)

In the ER (after my 'very detailed' explanation of the whole story starting with first ER visit 3 weeks ago, yeah, I talk too much when I am scared, or maybe the tequila made me talkative) a young doctor did a cervix check and an internal scan. She was nice and gentle. The cervix was still closed and the sac was still there but it started to come off she said. She gave a detailed explanation of the missed miscarriage thing (this type is very common) and of the current events (the pain was contraction pain). She said it will happen in the next 2-3 days. There will be pain, there will be blood (sounded like a threat). She prescribed an anti-inflammatory painkiller and said if I cannot manage the pain or the blood at home I can come back anytime. She was explanative and very patient towards all my questions. I think all doctors should be attentive, careful and mindful like Amie/Amy!

By the end of examination all my contractions went away so we had a nice walk home. It felt so good to breathe in the unusual warm air.

Time flies

Happened exactly three weeks ago that I had the bleeding, out of the blue. The bright, abundant blood came as a shock. I was shaking when I called the hospital. Until then there was no indication that anything is wrong with my pregnancy. One ER scan and two EPAU scans confirmed that there is no life inside, not a sign of it.

Choosing the natural way with this missed miscarriage (anembryonic pregnancy), with brown spotting on and off the waiting is just tiring. It gives me time to think, a lot. Probably I shouldn't brood too much over this, it cannot be undone. It hurts of course and hard to let it go but no use crying over spilt milk, right? Am I giving up too easily? Three weeks makes you acceptive and acquiescent. I am 13+3 today.

Today I finally managed to clean and organise the living room. The place is now in order, looks like a proper one, like it should be. Nice and tidy. Poor DH tolerated the chaos without a word. I felt ashamed of myself but I just could not bring myself to keep it in order. Won't happen again! Should not happen again!

Am I just waiting for the inevitable?

Today was the day. I didn't sleep much. Who could?! I had the second scan (internal) @ the EPAU this morning. The gestational sac was 'still' empty, furthermore it shrank in size. 10 day ago it was over 24 mm (nearly 25), now measuring 22 mm only. The doctor said it should be around 35 mm by now (it grows at a rate of about 1 mm a day). Furthermore the blood next to the sac doubled in size (looked to me). Doctor said my body already started to realize the inevitable (he said the same thing 10 days ago). I am 12+2 today.

The diagnosis is: 'missed miscarriage'. I thought a MMC means when the foetus dies but the body goes on as if the foetus is viable, in other words, the pregnancy ends with the death of the foetus. He said that previously they called it an 'anembryonic pregnancy' but it sounded not nice so now they just call it a missed miscarriage. Sounded not nice? Do you understand this reasoning?

He said this type for miscarriage is common in first pregnancy.

An anembryonic pregnancy is when the baby just does not develop beyond implantation, no yolk sac, no embryo. It is due to a chromosomal abnormality (possibly related to trisomies 16 and 22 ??). It may be more common in older mothers and is usually a problem with the egg rather the sperm. Approximate account for 45 to 55% of all miscarriages. Nothing can be done to prevent.

He said I have 3 options: 1. waiting to miscarry naturally; 2. medication; 3. surgery. I asked which one would he recommend. He said he cannot make any recommendation as the body is mine. Suggestion? No, he can't do that either. How do I choose then, I asked? I have to decide, he said. All of them equally safe. Just great! Surgery is out of the question! I would accept it as a very, very last solution only (10% chance for infection and 40% chance for a scar inside? no, thanks). I said if there is no risk in waiting then I want to wait it out, pass the sac naturally. No drugs, no surgery. I want to avoid the possible side effects and complications from medication and surgery.

He agreed. He wouldn't let me go if he would think it's not safe, would he? He said I have to be prepared as no one knows when or where will happen. Over 60% of women miscarry within the next 2 weeks, over 30% within the next two after that.

I asked what to expect. He said 3 periods at the same time. I wonder how would he know how a period feels like? When I asked about when we can try again he said right away after the first period.

For some reason over the past 10 days I was 'relatively' calm, maybe because I just didn't believe what I saw and heard in the ER and EPAU. I do not believe it even know. Or I just don't want to believe it? I pictured this pregnancy as a perfectly timed, spring is here, summer is coming, nice maternity clothes, baby going to be 3 month by Christmas... The reality is I am 33 in 3 months time.

On the way home something came at me and started to cry hysterically on the street. By the time I arrived home I was reasonable again. I went to the pharmacy, bought 2 packs of Maxi Night pads. The pharmacist was so nice and kind. She recommended these. I have a box of Paracetamol too. I cannot say I am prepared or ready. Actually I am very, very scared. No one seems to know how much blood, and how much pain I should expect.

Does it sound very cruel when I say that if this pregnancy meant to end in miscarriage I am pleased that there is no dead baby inside of me? I would not have the strength to see my dead baby passing through. I just could not take it.

No one knows in our family that I am (or I just was??) expecting. They are expecting us for Easter. We wanted to send them the scan-picture by post first before we arrive. Now we have to tell them that I am waiting to miscarry thus we cannot make it home for Easter.

The EPU

The bleeding stopped on Friday. There was little browning on Sat and even less (almost none) on Sun. My bump is the same (nice and sticking out), my breasts are still hurt and blue-veined, still queasy, nauseous all day every day. I am feeling the same as in the past few weeks, PREGNANT.

The EPU (or EPAU) internal scan did not bring good news however. I got the 'not looking good' outcome. The sac was empty and measured 7w+1d ONLY (the doctor said I miscalculated but NO, NO my period is regular so I am absolutely sure that I am 11 weeks tomorrow). There was blood beside the sac!! He said I started to miscarry naturally. Already signs for it.

He gave me another 10 days, then he will do another scan (hospital rules) before he can establish the diagnosis. But with the 'not looking good' thing above my head there isn't much hope for any change in a positive way, the way I would want it. It seems I do not deserve Baby Bunny just yet.

Bleeding / ER

I have a situation here. Very early this morning (around 1 am) we where sitting at the table playing a card game when I felt something is passing through, fluid going down. I though this is just some vaginal discharge (it increased slightly in the past few weeks). Then again, and again, and again!! And when I went to the toilet my heart almost stopped. It was fresh, bright blood all over. Out of the blue! No signs, no warning. So I called the hospital immediately. The midwife said that I can come in right away but if I want a proper scan I should come after 8 am as their scan not so correct in the Emergency Room, but at 8 am a doctor will do a better, more precise one. I said OK, I'll go at 8 because what is the point to have a not so reliable scan at 1:30 am and wait for another one till 8 am.

I didn't sleep much as you guess. Woke up a 7 and was in the hospital at 7:30. There was no one in the Emergency Room until 8. Then a midwife took my details, checked my dates (LMP), measured blood pressure, body temperature. I explained my complaint, she took notes. I presented even the supplements I take. She was not so pleased and asked me why I take so many. So many, I asked. I take only prenatal vitamin and pregnancy Omega-3-6. Probiotics are just for good digestion. She said go natural as possible. Lot's of fruit. All I need. That's interesting.

I gave a pee sample and waited for a doctor. She scanned me at 9:30. She saw the sac but there was no foetus or heartbeat! She did an internal scan too, but again just an empty sac, no foetus, no heartbeat. I considered my bleeding heavy as I used up 4 or 5 pads but she said 'not so bad'. She said that my cervix is fully closed (she checked it with a plastic tube but she was so brute I started to cry from pain she gave me, it hurt like hell). Se said (probably for at least 10 times) that this scan is not good and she is not an expert. So she referred me to a doctor (I thought I was seeing a doctor with a good scan) to the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit). The doctor (the 'expert senior' as the assistant called him) saw my papers and said to come back on Monday because no point to scan me again as I been scanned already. Yeah, scanned with a crap!

The new midwife was so nice and kind. She came to us afterwards and said that after the internal scan I will bleed more. She made me even more scared, although she ment to prepare me.

No pain, no cramping, not passing any cloth just bright red blood. No heartbeat, no foetus just an empty sac and a closed cervix. I am 10+3 today.

The confirmation

I was smiling over the week and the weekend, being happy and light. Today I went to the GP for my pregnancy confirmation. Same GP as for the smear test. She asked my LMP, measured my blood pressure (116/60 - systolic/diastolic), listened to my chest. She asked me to pee in a little container but my bladder was empty so I just showed her the two positive tests. I also showed her the supplements I take: Prenatal Nutrients (Solgar), Mum Omega pregnancy (Equazen), vitamin-C 500 mg (Sona) and Prebio7 probiotics. She said that the probiotics are fine, wasn't sure about the Omega-3-6, but definitely said to stop the vitamin-C, immediately! She didn't say why though. She didn't make any statement about the prenatal vitamin formula.

She put my EDD (Estimated Date of Delivery), i.e. my due date on the 11th of October (I calculated the 12th - subtract 3 months and add 7 days to your LMP). She wrote a letter for me to take to the hospital of my choice. Well, it was her choice really. When I asked which one to pick as I have 3 approximately in the same distance from where I live, she chose the University Hospital for Women & Infants. The care is good, she said. When she asked about how would we (DH was there too) proceed if there is any problem with the baby, would we want to terminate the pregnancy in bad outcome, we said yes. So she wrote another letter to take with me to the prenatal diagnosis clinic, for a blood test and Nuchal thickness scan, around week 12.

There was another choice to make, whatever I want to go private, semi-private or public. She said if I choose private, semi-private it will cost me, a lot, but the service basically the same and even in private the bed, the care, the same obstetrician cannot be guaranteed as it operates on a first come first serve. I chose public (going combined care) and Midwifery Led Unit. Midwifery because I want a natural birth as possible. I dare not take a home birth but no needles, no cuts, no drugs, please.

Finally I got a flu jab. First she presented it as a choice, a highly recommended one. I said we will think about it and come back if I want to have it. She said we have 5 minutes to decide! She pushed us hard so we gave in.