ER

9+3 today. I woke up with no pregnancy symptoms, no nausea, no tender breasts, no sore nipples! On top of this I felt sharp pain on the right side aroud my hip, and sore lower back. I panicked so I called the hospital. The nurse said that because there is pain I best to come in for a scan.

After a quick shower and an ever quicker breakfast we went in (15-20 minutes walk, and I felt for taking a walk). It was noon when we arrived. There were only 3 couple waiting. Urine sample, chat with the nurse, blood pressure and temperature measuring, some data entry and we found ourselves waiting for the doctor to perform the ultrasound scan.

Then she came but shortly she was beeped away and she stayed away for long. I was just sitting there, I felt fine (apart from the waves of pain on my side) and terrified that my symptoms are gone. We took a long walk yesterday, we ate in a restaurant and the evening was pleasant for me, I wasn't so nauseous.

We were waiting, waiting, more people came, and the crowd got bigger. Most of us were patient but some of us were not. Then the doctor came back and she called me in.

I jumped right on the bed beside the ultrasound device and the next second the cold jelly was on my belly. I couldn't take my eyes of the monitor and I caught a glimpse of BabyBunny. He was there. It wasn't empty like last time. He was lying on his back. The doctor pressed the head of the device so hard that I had to tell her she is hurting. Then she pointed to the monitor and said there is the heartbeat, can you see? Tears filled in my eyes. Bunny's there, Bunny is alive! Strong heartbeat, she said. The pressing woke him up, he started to move and I was weeping. I wish I had looked at DH face to see his reaction but I just could not take my eyes off the screen. She measured 10w1d but she said the dating scan will be more precise. Good news, Bunny is not smaller.

She gave us a picture, Bunny's first picture! We waited four and a half hours but it's worth every minute. It's real! It is not just guessing anymore. We are officially parents-to-be. DH was smiling for all the rest of the evening.

"If you can see the baby's heart beating on the sonogram after 7 weeks, your chances of continuing with the pregnancy are greater than 97 percent."

I do not believe it!

7+6 today. Herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1) is back!! Just what I needed to cheer up my nausea!

Yesterday evening I started to feel that tingling sensation on my bottom lip and a tiny blister came out just before bed. This morning I woke up with a burning, itching, swelled, giant blister almost in the middle of the bottom lip. Unbelievable! It was only in July that I had cold sores. I did not expect it so soon as I thought the antibodies are doing their job. It's not even four months since the last outbreak which lasted more than two weeks!!

I was so worried all night. I couldn't sleep much and woke up at 4am. I hope Bunny is safe. He should be safe. Must be safe!! I do not want to loose him, again.

I called my GP first thing this morning. She said that it does not effect my pregnancy and there is oral medication for it. Is that safe I asked. She said that they usually do not give it to pregnant women. Why to mention then?? She said that I can use Zovirax as the absorption through the skin is minimum, plus the book says there is not known harmful effect. It wasn't really convincing so I decided not to put anything on it (just to ease any discomfort). Not even salt paste!!

Some forum mentioned that Abreva, Valtrex, or Blistex is safe. Who knows really!?! There is not enough research when it comes to pregnancy and the first trimester is so vulnerable. I will just wait it out as it will start to heal on its own within a few days. Not sure about lysine (an amino acid) supplement either. I may try to apply ice to the sore. Frequent hand washing, plenty of water, vitamin C rich fruits.

The virus stays in my body for life and there is no cure. Hormonal changes like pregnancy trigger a cold sore...

Doubts

I am 12+5 today. There was a slightly stronger browning yesterday than previous days but it stopped since. No pain, no cramps. Sensitive nipples. Tiny nausea.

There's a lot on my mind these days. Not knowing when, where or how will happen makes the whole thing uncertain and frightening. I am very scared tbo. It is hard waiting for it to happen.

I can't get out of my mind the thought, the question, the idea whether there was ever a baby (cells developed to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself) or the embryo stopped growing at a very early stage and was disintegrated (re-absorbed). Did I kill my little Bunny when I was forced to have the flu jab @ 4w+6d (2+6 after conception, 10 days after implantation)?? I'm afraid this will never come to light. A doctor will not speak against the other.

Do I wait it out for nature to take its course? Will I be able to do so without unexpected complications? I hope my body is capable of passing tissue on its own and there will not be a need for an invasive surgical procedure like the third option, the D&C (namely possible risk of tissue scarring).

We told family today what is the situation and not visiting them until this whole thing is over and I get the green to go on.

The past 9 days

Tomorrow is judgement day (for me). I am 12w+1d today. In the past week I was feeling the same, PREGNANT. Hurtful, blue-veined breasts, nice round bump (sticking out), no appetite at all, nauseous from morning till finally falling asleep. How can I feel so pregnant with an empty sac?!

Over the weekend brown spotting started (I dared not even mention it to DH) here and there but no cramping (it would be my period for this month), I didn't even bother to ring the hospital. Should I be concerned about this browning? I don't know. Tomorrow we will see.

I don't really know anymore what the doctor will find or what I want him to find or not to find. I want my miracle!

I was relatively 'calm' over the last 9 days. Maybe because I just can't believe that the sac is empty. Today is different. My tummy is nervous, inside. What will happen tomorrow?

Just waiting

I guess the doctor thinks or hopes that in these 10 days I will miscarry naturally. I don't know how would be the best, cos my breasts still hurt, no appetite at all, feels like pregnant all the time, just like before the Friday bleeding (which lasted less than 24 hours). I don't know how can be the sac empty and me feeling so pregnant and going this far, I am 11w+2d today, still nauseous all day long.

I do not know what I am more afraid of the pain, the heavy blood (they say will come and when it comes few towels will needed), the scar (40% chance if D&C, plus 10% chance for infection) or the time of waiting to get ready to try again.

What if the scan next Thu will show no life, no growth and my cervix is still fully closed, will they force to open it?!?

I am trying to put fears and bad thoughts out of my mind, and not thinking until next scan, of course I hope for my miracle, as my body telling me that "we" are pregnant but maybe both of us been fooled. How can a body be fooled?

Oh, this day going to be just as bad as Mon and Tue, badly nauseous. Good thing or bad thing, will see next Thu.

The EPU

The bleeding stopped on Friday. There was little browning on Sat and even less (almost none) on Sun. My bump is the same (nice and sticking out), my breasts are still hurt and blue-veined, still queasy, nauseous all day every day. I am feeling the same as in the past few weeks, PREGNANT.

The EPU (or EPAU) internal scan did not bring good news however. I got the 'not looking good' outcome. The sac was empty and measured 7w+1d ONLY (the doctor said I miscalculated but NO, NO my period is regular so I am absolutely sure that I am 11 weeks tomorrow). There was blood beside the sac!! He said I started to miscarry naturally. Already signs for it.

He gave me another 10 days, then he will do another scan (hospital rules) before he can establish the diagnosis. But with the 'not looking good' thing above my head there isn't much hope for any change in a positive way, the way I would want it. It seems I do not deserve Baby Bunny just yet.

Bleeding / ER

I have a situation here. Very early this morning (around 1 am) we where sitting at the table playing a card game when I felt something is passing through, fluid going down. I though this is just some vaginal discharge (it increased slightly in the past few weeks). Then again, and again, and again!! And when I went to the toilet my heart almost stopped. It was fresh, bright blood all over. Out of the blue! No signs, no warning. So I called the hospital immediately. The midwife said that I can come in right away but if I want a proper scan I should come after 8 am as their scan not so correct in the Emergency Room, but at 8 am a doctor will do a better, more precise one. I said OK, I'll go at 8 because what is the point to have a not so reliable scan at 1:30 am and wait for another one till 8 am.

I didn't sleep much as you guess. Woke up a 7 and was in the hospital at 7:30. There was no one in the Emergency Room until 8. Then a midwife took my details, checked my dates (LMP), measured blood pressure, body temperature. I explained my complaint, she took notes. I presented even the supplements I take. She was not so pleased and asked me why I take so many. So many, I asked. I take only prenatal vitamin and pregnancy Omega-3-6. Probiotics are just for good digestion. She said go natural as possible. Lot's of fruit. All I need. That's interesting.

I gave a pee sample and waited for a doctor. She scanned me at 9:30. She saw the sac but there was no foetus or heartbeat! She did an internal scan too, but again just an empty sac, no foetus, no heartbeat. I considered my bleeding heavy as I used up 4 or 5 pads but she said 'not so bad'. She said that my cervix is fully closed (she checked it with a plastic tube but she was so brute I started to cry from pain she gave me, it hurt like hell). Se said (probably for at least 10 times) that this scan is not good and she is not an expert. So she referred me to a doctor (I thought I was seeing a doctor with a good scan) to the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit). The doctor (the 'expert senior' as the assistant called him) saw my papers and said to come back on Monday because no point to scan me again as I been scanned already. Yeah, scanned with a crap!

The new midwife was so nice and kind. She came to us afterwards and said that after the internal scan I will bleed more. She made me even more scared, although she ment to prepare me.

No pain, no cramping, not passing any cloth just bright red blood. No heartbeat, no foetus just an empty sac and a closed cervix. I am 10+3 today.

8 weeks

Weeks really crawl. Can't wait to get my scan for the peace of mind, for reassurance, so it will seem real. Seeing is believing ;-)

The internet can put ideas into our head and make us stress unnecessarily. Is the baby's growing in the right place? No strong pregnancy symptoms? Incompetent cervix? Twins (double trouble but twice the fun)? I haven't had cramps or bleeding, which is good. I did not really want to plot my weight on a chart or monitor everything I ate each day. Worrying is no good for us both. Every pregnancy is different!

Feeling queasy, nauseous. Can't look at food, can't think of food. No appetite at all. It strikes at all hours of the day, from the moment I open my eyes till I finally fall asleep. It seems go away when I eat but after the last bit jumps back on me. I am sleepy. I have metallic taste in my mouth and excess saliva from time to time. Once the baby is healthy that's the main thing. No food cravings though. Maybe the vitamins do the trick.

Battling with a mountain of laundry. The place looks like a bomb went off!! I wish I had a magic wand to wave around.

I am 8 weeks today! 8 completed weeks!!

Worries

I worry about miscarriage. I had a terrible nightmare last night. I am not clear about this (and not just this). One says the chances are decrease with each week after week 6, other says not safe until the 14th week is passed. I don't really know what to expect for the first time. Everything scares me. Concerned about everything. I guess most first-moms-to-be the same.