WEEK 38

I am 38 weeks pregnant (2 weeks to go)!! BabyBunny weighs around 3000 grams, and measures over 49.5 cm (head to heel), like a leek.

BabyBunny's organs have matured and are ready for life outside the womb. /BabyCenter/

Two more weeks left! I can't believe it! Where did the time fly?? Where did the past 38 weeks go? I still clearly remember reaching the milestones at 12th, 13+6, 20th, 24th, 28th, 32nd, and 36th weeks. Tow more weeks and finally I will hold my precious cargo in my ever loving arms. Can't wait!!

I am wondering when Bunny will make the appearance. She is 38 weeks by me (LMP) but 39 weeks according to the hospital (dating scan). Curious, which time is Bunny following...

The lower arching of my bump (just above my bikini-line) is more prominent, Bunny makes her way down, every day a little deeper. Sometimes just with tiny pushings, sometimes with strong, sharp pain.

She worries me more than amuses with her daily hiccups. I am still trying to find the comfortable position to easy her inconvenience. The 6-8 minutes are back to 20. Lying down doesn't help, getting on all fours not makes them shorter.

I can still fit a decent amount of food into my belly. Looks like the last few weeks with a bird's diet is not for me. I can enjoy whatever I like. What I really like is raw, juicy fruits and vegetables, like strawberries, cucumber, radish, pepper, tomato, green salad leaves, apples, oranges, grapefruit, kiwi, raspberries, blueberries, mango, papaya, you name it.

Household cleaning is on hold, from my part anyway. The chores are mostly on DH. He cooks and does the dishes, hoovers, shops for grocery, cleans the bathroom. I do the laundry. Setting the washing machine is not a problem but ironing is a different story...

With a daily probiotic supplementation and natural probiotic yogurt 'treatment' the itching (and whitened out vulva) is gone. I used the canesten cream just only twice (purely out of fear). I did not want to mess with it while Bunny is inside. They did not ring me back from the hospital with the swab so I take it that nothing grew under the microscope. I suspect it was the panty-liner. The skin got irritated. I am not using it 24/7 anymore just when I go out but at home no more panty-liners for me, rather changing damp panties often as I did previously early in pregnancy.

Epilogue of a pregnancy

Very early this morning (looks like mornings are the bugbears) I had sharp pain here and there in my lower abdomen. It was very, very uncomfortable and painful too. Going to the toilet lot of dark blood came out and the pain eased finally. With the morning pee a ball of blood came out, it was a size of a walnut and it had whitish things in it (I would say 1/3 was white).

Booked appointment @ the EPU this morning (I am glad I did not cancel it). Same assistant but a new doctor, female this time. There is nothing wrong seeing different doctors, several eyes see more, but I would wanted the 'old' one for today as he examined me previously (twice), he would knew exactly what to look for. It is not a request program. She was nice and thoroughgoing. Measured everything. Something was 4.6 (or was it 4.8?) and she said that's fine and everything looks perfect. It was reassuring to hear. She checked my ovaries too. The bleeding can continue up to 10-14 days but it will decrease. If a heavy bleeding returns that is a sign of infection. She said with my next pregnancy the chances are for a miscarriage 1 in 5, so not increased because of this one. My period should return in 6 weeks and it will be heavier than usual. I told her about the blood-ball this morning, she said it was pregnancy tissue.

It isn't over just yet. I will relax only when the bleeding stops (end of next week I guess) and my period returns to normal.

What was this pregnancy like? With no previous experience I compared to what's written in the books or on the forums. Compared to those it was normal until the bleeding struck at 10+3. I had nausea, lost appetite, dislike of food in general from 7+1 (maybe this late start was a sign?). I had sensitive nipples, painful breast with a network of blue veins (still have them). Occasional nose bleed, occasional 'pink toothpaste'. Metallic taste in my mouth occasionally. I was more sleepily, I got tired more easily. I had 'baby brain', kept forgetting appointments and planned things. My tummy was bloated at the beginning. The bowel movements were frequent with burps and wind. At the end I had a definite bump, a trouser-tightening. I just do not know where to put the peeling skin (which disappeared from my fingers and toes since, only a few dry areas left on my heels to remind me about it). Was it a sign of a problem (started at 6+6)?? All the doctors and pharmacists I asked said that not to worry about it. What I did not have are cravings, heartburn, constipation and mood swings. I promised to myself that I won't become a pregnant b**ch, a husband’s nightmare, so I will try to control my pregnancy hormones the best I can. Of course I got irritated on few occasions but I think it was really just a few.

The whole miscarriage thing from the first (and only) bleeding to the last contraction, I mean to complete it took 25 days (3 weeks and 3 day). DH was very patient and very anxious for me the whole time. He's sweet. He is my pillar and my best friend.

Was it a good choice to miscarry naturally? Three weeks ago it seemed like the best option. On Monday it seemed like the worst one. Monday on the way to the hospital all I could think of that I understand now why women choose the D&C. It hurt like hell, I thought I won't make it! Today again I think that the natural way is the best option.

My view on hospital care in general is good. They are trying to help, some of them less, some of them more. In general I was satisfied (based on three visits to the ER and also three to the EPAU).

What do I feel? How I feel? First of all I feel relieved, I feel free and I am happy that my body was able to handle the end on its own. It isn't a stupid body after all! Secondly I do not feel (or think) that I lost a baby. There was no baby, it can't be lost. Is it a good thing or a really bad thing to feel this way, I do not know. It was a lesson, the life's lesson for life, and need to move beyond it. Now it is a past.

About the future? It is a tricky question. Why? Because I did everything by the book and didn't get what I wanted. Let's take one by one:

• We do not smoke. I did for a few months when I was in college (bad company around) but that was twelve years ago. Since then just a 'passive smoker' but I avoid as much as I can even to take a sniff of it (holding my breath when passing a chimney person).
• We drink alcohol of course but with very good moderation I would say. Since last August till last week there was non for me and DH only had few beers and few glasses of wine since my pregnancy was confirmed. We were non-alcoholic for five months prior conception.
• We eat a balanced, healthy diet, I think (compared to the large average). Lots of veg and fruit, daily, and most of them are eaten raw. No cola, no sugary or energy drinks, no coffee daily (occasional sips), no fast food, no ready-made food, plus reading all the ingredients on the labels, and buying organic where possible.
• Prior to conception both of us took vitamins and minerals from August (so for five months before even trying for a baby).

What is missing here? Sport activities! Well, I never was a sportswoman. I need to work on this one for sure.

I thought I was doing the best I could. Was it the flu vaccine? Was it the 500 mg vitamin C? Was it the air, was it the water? Million combinations are possible. So see, planning pregnancy by the book doesn't really work (or it just did not work for me). There is no proven recipe. Every woman and every pregnancy is different.

Time flies

Happened exactly three weeks ago that I had the bleeding, out of the blue. The bright, abundant blood came as a shock. I was shaking when I called the hospital. Until then there was no indication that anything is wrong with my pregnancy. One ER scan and two EPAU scans confirmed that there is no life inside, not a sign of it.

Choosing the natural way with this missed miscarriage (anembryonic pregnancy), with brown spotting on and off the waiting is just tiring. It gives me time to think, a lot. Probably I shouldn't brood too much over this, it cannot be undone. It hurts of course and hard to let it go but no use crying over spilt milk, right? Am I giving up too easily? Three weeks makes you acceptive and acquiescent. I am 13+3 today.

Today I finally managed to clean and organise the living room. The place is now in order, looks like a proper one, like it should be. Nice and tidy. Poor DH tolerated the chaos without a word. I felt ashamed of myself but I just could not bring myself to keep it in order. Won't happen again! Should not happen again!

13 weeks exactly

I'm still waiting, waiting... waiting to miscarry naturally. Brown spotting only, no cramps, no bleeding yet. One day is easier than other. One day I feel acquiescence, another day the helplessness upsets me. It happened for a reason, that's for sure, but it would be nice to know THAT reason just for the peace of mind. Just to know that the baby did not develop beyond implantation, because I cannot get rid of the thought that the flu vaccine made this happen. I wish I would have stayed stronger against the GP's pushing will!

Today I finally took over the kitchen. As my appetite is slowly coming back I cooked at last. In the past quite a few weeks (well, it was 6) I been nauseous all day every day and just couldn't make myself useful around the house. Place was (and still is) like a bomb hit in. The laundry and the dry linen is the main problem, a big mess, all over the place. Only the bedroom looks somewhat civilized. Pull yourself together L.T!

My DH has been so good doing all the cooking and washing up so we did not starve, thanks to him alone. I couldn't think of food in general but at the moment of eating the nausea went away and only came back after I sent down the last bite. Today the kitchen was managed, tomorrow the living room is next.

Doubts

I am 12+5 today. There was a slightly stronger browning yesterday than previous days but it stopped since. No pain, no cramps. Sensitive nipples. Tiny nausea.

There's a lot on my mind these days. Not knowing when, where or how will happen makes the whole thing uncertain and frightening. I am very scared tbo. It is hard waiting for it to happen.

I can't get out of my mind the thought, the question, the idea whether there was ever a baby (cells developed to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself) or the embryo stopped growing at a very early stage and was disintegrated (re-absorbed). Did I kill my little Bunny when I was forced to have the flu jab @ 4w+6d (2+6 after conception, 10 days after implantation)?? I'm afraid this will never come to light. A doctor will not speak against the other.

Do I wait it out for nature to take its course? Will I be able to do so without unexpected complications? I hope my body is capable of passing tissue on its own and there will not be a need for an invasive surgical procedure like the third option, the D&C (namely possible risk of tissue scarring).

We told family today what is the situation and not visiting them until this whole thing is over and I get the green to go on.

The past 9 days

Tomorrow is judgement day (for me). I am 12w+1d today. In the past week I was feeling the same, PREGNANT. Hurtful, blue-veined breasts, nice round bump (sticking out), no appetite at all, nauseous from morning till finally falling asleep. How can I feel so pregnant with an empty sac?!

Over the weekend brown spotting started (I dared not even mention it to DH) here and there but no cramping (it would be my period for this month), I didn't even bother to ring the hospital. Should I be concerned about this browning? I don't know. Tomorrow we will see.

I don't really know anymore what the doctor will find or what I want him to find or not to find. I want my miracle!

I was relatively 'calm' over the last 9 days. Maybe because I just can't believe that the sac is empty. Today is different. My tummy is nervous, inside. What will happen tomorrow?

Just waiting

I guess the doctor thinks or hopes that in these 10 days I will miscarry naturally. I don't know how would be the best, cos my breasts still hurt, no appetite at all, feels like pregnant all the time, just like before the Friday bleeding (which lasted less than 24 hours). I don't know how can be the sac empty and me feeling so pregnant and going this far, I am 11w+2d today, still nauseous all day long.

I do not know what I am more afraid of the pain, the heavy blood (they say will come and when it comes few towels will needed), the scar (40% chance if D&C, plus 10% chance for infection) or the time of waiting to get ready to try again.

What if the scan next Thu will show no life, no growth and my cervix is still fully closed, will they force to open it?!?

I am trying to put fears and bad thoughts out of my mind, and not thinking until next scan, of course I hope for my miracle, as my body telling me that "we" are pregnant but maybe both of us been fooled. How can a body be fooled?

Oh, this day going to be just as bad as Mon and Tue, badly nauseous. Good thing or bad thing, will see next Thu.